there was a crash
a fallen moment
when we found out the truth,
i found out the truth
of everything
that has ever
haunted my mind,
everything you never took the time
to tell me about,
and it kills me inside.
like every sweet kiss you offered,
I was stripped of it all,
and i'm
rummaging for answers in the pages
of the once written stories
of life and love from another time
only to confirm this truth in my head.
i've been living the lie
about what we went through,
and this is the price that comes
with being an artist,
when you can't tell the difference
between yourself and characters.
they flood your mind
and this contagious
disease
drowns us all
with a crash
and this fallen moment.
Author notes
Rummaging for answers in the pages --- Us by regina spektor
i really like this peice, but just like art, nothing is perfect. and i'm not sure what i could do to make this better. but any suggestions would be amazing
A contest entry
- Regina and a Story by bachelorette.
525 points, ended March 25, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter poems you genuinely want to improve by Danna Hobart.
415 points, ended April 27, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
tell me how to make it better!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
I like this. The suggestions I have are minimal. I think everyone can relate to a fallen moment when they found something out that explained a whole lot of unanswered questions in a relationship. It’s like a watermelon splitting open and all the seeds come spilling out. Okay, I am giving this a reader response critique, which means I will respond to it as I read through it.
there was a crash
a fallen moment
when we found out the truth,
i found out the truth… no need for this repetition
of everything
that has ever … the word “has” is superfluous.
haunted my mind,
everything you never took the time
to tell me about,
and it kills me inside.
like every sweet kiss you offered,
Here you are lacking congruency. You are talking about the “fallen moment” and how it kills you inside, and then you use the word “like” which makes it seem like every sweet kiss killed you inside, but the next line then talks about being stripped of them. It is confusing. I think it could be more clear if it were reworded:
everything you never took the time
to tell me about,
and it kills me inside.
like being stripped of
every sweet kiss you offered,
and i'm
rummaging for answers in the pages
of the once written stories
of life and love from another time
I think the preposition “from another time” could be cut from the above line and maybe replaced with something like:
rummaging for answers in the pages
of the once written stories
of life and love
but the happy endings
have all been erased
(or changed)
You can probably do better than that. It is just an example.
only to confirm this truth in my head.
i've been living the lie
Living a lie is cliché. Clichés offer prefabricated phrasing that may be used without effort on your part. They are thus used at the expense of individuality. If you're depending on a stock phrase, you're letting someone else do half your thinking.
about what we went through,
and this is the price that comes
with being an artist,
when you can't tell the difference
between yourself and characters.
I’ve been working on a new novel, and I can completely relate to this. I have been completely consumed with my setting and characters. It’s hard to come back to reality sometimes.
they flood your mind
and this contagious
disease
drowns us all
with a crash
and this fallen moment.
The images of drowning and crashing are not congruent. Maybe if they were reversed, you can crash into water and then drown before you can get out. -
No
-
This is very good, the first 4 lines really paves the way for what your saying here...
-
-
oh thank you very much! i'm glad you like it.
-
-
congrats!
-
excellent
what a very deepand disturbing poem...brilliantly written. nice to have had the honor of reading your art. thank-you.
-
-
i'm glad you liked it!
-
-
Hi, I'm back.
I wanted to tell you that I like the edits you made. I also have another suggestion. Since some of your lines go on to the next (which is called enjambment) and others don't, it's difficult to tell when one phrase ends and a new one begins. Adding punctuation would help your readers (even if you just add commas at the end of phrases/sentences).
Okay. Good job.
-K -
Suggestion: You don't need to capitalize "Rummaging"; nothing else is capitalized.
Question: I'm a little confused about line 9. You suddenly bring in an outside person and "sweet kiss"es. From the majority of the poem, I get the sense that this is about losing oneself, not about a lost romance.
Anyway, I like this. Ignoring line 9, it's like the poem of an author or someone who reads too much. I definitely know what it's like to have all of these personalities and characters running around in my head.
Then on a grander scale, it's about how (as a society) we're still held up to and judged by the same morals of the past. Woman should be virtuous; men should be heroic--that kind of thing.
Maybe I'm missing how the "you" with "sweet [kisses]" plays in. You might think about developing that part, if it's important.
-K
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
