I was outside tapping on
the weed nets
for a grasshopper
It was taking so long that I saw
the clusters of straw which few rested in
were looking like apartment houses
And, so, the story goes:
"There should be 5 or 10 jumpers
working in each building in the
neighborhood of all the dirt.
But, instead they all are
in the basements of being closest
to the ground non-active
while I'm magnifying with ding-dongs many a time
in the daylight.
If the bogies / bugs / live toys
are having a hard time
paying their bill,
then I can move the crowd
into my window world
which is free.
That way, we can all have fun!
My key to a catch is
to put one in my yarn of fingers
and to wrap it in my sphere of hands
with her like a balloon.
Capturing the air tames insects
with warmth on the inside of my knuckles
is the start of a pet from getting taken
for temperature of love as well.
I've got the muscles to not
let it go flat with a smash.
Homes in my garden of a cutout wall
where I'm eyeing growing lettuce and cabbage
is similar to a park of glass pane
that never closes."
Author notes
A meaning to this piece: I really want a mini animal and I'll keep it in my house and in a cage at night. This time of year, there aren't many out there, and so, it's like they're all crept near the soil of their castles. It's sad to look out my screen when I can't tell when they really do pop up. Hope you like my comparisons in my write.
-
At least my mamma loved this poem so much that she didn't even want to sing, but just listen to mine.
A contest entry
- Free by Melissa Gayle.
390 points, ended March 16, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ***By AURIELLE***ANYTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where Are The Poets????A QUICKIEEE by Aurielle.
300 points, ended March 16, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Any thing goes by love me 4 who i am.
330 points, ended April 11, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best prewrite EVER! by love tank x.
650 points, ended May 1, 2007, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Best by Excul.
800 points, ended May 20, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shockingly still needing more fixes?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
fess up p afforded
-
are you still 11 or are you now older? i am curious splish splash colured pencil with the nib sharpened and then broken.
oh i did notice you are 12 now wow that's a good aging process, you were 11 ages ago
-
Beautiful!
Beautifully done. This is one of those great written prose poetry what I like to read. It is obvious that you are a great bystander, but you are not only watching the nature close to you, you love it, you live with it and you ponder about it. This picture reminds me of my own childhood. And over all, you are a great poetess. I hope that I am not the only who will recognize your great talent.
~Sonja~
-
My key to a catch is
to put one in my yarn of fingers
and to wrap it in my sphere of hands
with her like a balloon.
Capturing the air tames insects
with warmth on the inside of my knuckles
is the start of a pet from getting taken
for temperature of love as well.
I have always thought that my own self.
Problem is people don't often see just what it is
they see. Except just some. I'm thinking. yup, I am thinking, maybe you should just keep lookin cause you see real good.
-
lovely...I really love the imagery of this write..
Excellent work..
Peace and many blessings
~A~
-
astounding
Outstanding piece. Your imagery and the way you word your phrases is very, very good for a ten-year-old. Of course some of the grammar could be edited, but all is well. Stanza six was definitely my favorite part of the entire write; I feel like I've connected completely to it. Your ending is a tad bit abrupt and leaves me hanging a little, but besides that this is a lovely read. Thank you for sharing this with us all!
Faye
-
this is very outstanding poem. I really liked the concept behind it. good job.
-
-
a good one-notebook-line
Extra Comment Made By Excul [lol, alliteration],
I appreciate that you saw my work as good, and that you realized the topic I was trying to express in words. it does not hurt that I didn't win a trophy, as a friendly review can be worthwhile. thank you.
-
-
FuN
Dear Daisy (Mamma asks could you put your ear to the paper so to speak, to hear the crinkle of my making my first song for your known face, when I think how I love you it is with that volume, of being so deeply glad of additions as the within the anything, the birth bouncing off the words of womb!),
"Good Posture That Wasn't Just Prose" stands without you just going through your strands but as the first stanza suggests bending to not cut a song short.
The second section of thought has me read for what didn't leave you bored and how during a nothing's happening period; you explained on the plains like you picked up a mind magazine in the waiting but it's a brochure of your thoughts on the place :
"It was taking so long that I saw
the clusters of straw which few rested in
were looking like apartment houses"
of which I remember walking the path but didn't read the fine print for imagination for the landmarks like you did!
Robotic taskers I got from a distance feel of the next set of lines until:
"neighborhood of all the dirt."
The thrill of alliteration takes over how interrelated it is becoming for your exploration to a booming :
"to the ground non-active
while I'm magnifying with ding-dongs many a time
in the daylight."
as it seems precioously taking opportunity for two diurnals to really meet nicely!
Yu creatively follow with shy implication of even know such little ones can't be lax on the pax lol but their fraz refreshment of things but for immediate trade-offs if not having to dart about?
Your most giant of the stanzas is where my heart is, you gently turning one of them from their terrain to yours for enhancement from a ride of endearment :
"and to wrap it in my sphere of hands
with her like a balloon.
Capturing the air tames insects
with warmth on the inside of my knuckles"
which isn't of extremities caring only for your circulation :
"I've got the muscles to not
let it go flat with a smash."
and I was so happy to be by your side when you said that originally with nice winds in the background.
The conclusion is keeping these memories of getting dreamy on one tangent about maybe next time.
I don't know where better to show how you may have more trophies than I acceptably, though this piece didn't do it for the judge... but remember one from your family who writes :
[A grasshopper had the action of my raised eyebrow
Goodness, what's the surprise he's after, I want to partner
Mor than by size can we categorize reaction.
You make our emotions spring with brisk aerobics
by the bricks
and on the rocks you look like a desert animal
but can invite you insect inside
to lush soft landing
with leafy on the window sill
that will help seal our loneliness when we used to be able to only look out
and towards night you won't be lively by our ceiling
but listening to a song so cage is almost just your sleep
not upside down existence but doable
You aren't a snake but you wiggle your abdomen like one
You are silvery small like a worm but neither are you that
yet you also have likeness to a lizard which has no skipping, you're just busy as a grasshopper
And I like how we can go around each other's corners.]
I appreciate the poosible perspective for interaction.
9:00 I can pronounce it with a hug,
Mamma -
-
Wowee, good meaning
Mamma (uh-uh),
Yes, YOU caught in my "second section" that there was a stall for grasshopper, and yet, not totally in my brain! That way, the wait would be somewhat fun and not just boring. I really appreciate that you loved the start of the story. Otherwise, how could you keep reading if you don't know what I mean?
I got a tickle from reading that both of us are daylight awakened and that's how we can come together for a knot of love-- GRASSHOPPEr!
My mind really got my biggest stanza as well, and I love when you love the muscles keeping the fresh, hot air active in my hands in the breezy painting. I also caught that my land of a window is close enough to their "terain," that makes me feel good as a 'vet!'
You may compete with my writing, although you're getting off, but inside our home, you can pretend that you would have more trophies than i, lol! Especially with the reaction happening with "[A grasshopper had the action of my raised eyebrow,] you made me feel how opening your eyes and the jumps are relatable.
How emotional, speaking as my pet a little:
"You make our emotions spring with brisk aerobics
by the bricks
and on the rocks you look like a desert animal
but can invite you insect inside
to lush soft landing
with leafy on the window sill
that will help seal our loneliness when we used to be able to only look out
and towards night you won't be lively by our ceiling
but listening to a song so cage is almost just your sleep
not upside down existence but doable."
The first line of that means we're either hunting by the dirt, which brick comes from, or we're chase one along the line of our house on into the window! "on the rocks you look like a desert animal" makes me think of the blending in process that keeps some birds away to control the population. Hee-HaW, this is the pet's carpet: "with leafy on the window sill," lOl!!!!!!!!!
I say thank you for the comment, but even more so, I say thanks for having yOOU as my MoThEr!~
Daisy~YOu
p.s. I finished this from being in Xl for a long time, and didn't want to read it over again when done, so if you don't understand parts of it, let me know and I'll edit it.
-
-
This is a nice write. I didn't see anything wrong with this. This was nicely written. Maybe more metaphors but poetry is poetry.
Great joy thanks for entering
Please return the favor -
This is different, it is something that I am not sure if I liked or not - either way, it is well written with some very visual images.
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
