Sweat drips from my ambition.
I can't believe this is where I live.
In my stoic essence lives a vision,
Of everything that should have been.
Seduced by their glittering, gold democracy.
Distracted by the dollar as they grabbed their,
hypocrisy and went astray.
Trapped in a concrete, cancer, money machine.
One day there will be hell to pay.
Because I possess a vision.
That will one day spread consciously like a virus.
I certainly won't settle for anything less.
Sweat drips from my ambition.
I can't believe this is where I live.
In my lush unconscious breeds a vision.
That will one day spread.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Letter "V" by deadcolor dreams.
600 points, ended March 15, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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EXTRODINARY
THIS IS WILD!Not a disappointment. This blew me away!None of the run of the mill AP. phrases will cover this one.
Electric....is the only thing I can say. I read it four times and it got stronger with each read.
BRAVO!!!
LOWELL POE -
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Thank you so much! I do consider myself far from the run of the mill, so I appreciate that greatly!
thanks
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::Sighs::
Wow, this poem breeds some lost determination in me. It's inspiring in a way. The line "Trapped in a concrete, cancer, money machine" resonates strongly. Please, someone spread the vision quickly! (They tore down a bunch of trees to build businesses near where I live, and I'm pissed about it). I'm not a political person, but I'm an aesthetic person. I like to look at trees, not ugly one-story buildings plunked around at random. -
This is great, congratulations on the bronze.
♥ whisper
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damn....
intense... emotions so well conveyed - almost violently and forcefully with your words...
there is a very natural flow to this...
awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, thought-provoking piece...
this is a very well constructed, beautifully crafted, powerful composition - you've compiled these thoughts very well and you've certainly made your message very clear...
it definitely spoke to me and I can say that I identify, perhaps not as passionately, but I can relate to the statements contained herein
excellent job!
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thanks for the comment, but this is so powerful. it puts my poem to shame; corners it away and locks it in a dusty broom cupboard. usually i hate rhyming because you always have to use words that don't mean the same thing you want to say.
excellent job. keep it up!!
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powerful and wonderfully written, this poem is one of the best i ahve read so far today. congratulations on your trophy, well deserved
lucy
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From what I am getting in this work, the persona actually has a dream that he/she wants to realize. There is also this concept of the hopes of being powerful, rising from the darkness of the current situation.
At the same time, I think the work also present something apocalyptic. It is like doomsday is coming and the persona is anticipating this "destruction" or path to change.
I think the topic is good. However, I must suggest that the use of punctuation should be more developed. Please take not of where you place your commas. For one thing, the proper use of punctuation can help you formulate your ideas and even help the rhythm of the work, as it helps instruct the reader of how to read the work using their mind's ear.
I would comment on this more, but I have to leave now. But I do think your work is good. But just like a child, it must be nurtured by you in order to make it grow into its maximum potential.
As always, keep working, and keep writing.
Thanks for sharing!
- Nick (",)
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I like it. I don't like rhyme, but this is pretty one of my favorites so far.
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Thanks for the comment.
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