Like pearls in poison,
you sucked me up
dry, arid, my heart a desert
inside this ribcage cradle
beneath your touch I
yearned for
studio lights,
an orchestra
and
candycane dementia
it was enough to melt me,
your universal impact
as I walked hot coals
in dagger heels for
anyone but you
October girl,
my seraphim,
come back I have
lost you,
your pomegranate
blue-eyed cyanide
I want to shoot myself.
And I'd paint candyfloss
and breathe hot ice
for anyone but you.
Author notes
I wrote this from a closed contest exercise, where ten words from a list had to be used, the words that are not my own are:
pearls
ribcage cradle
candycane dementia
universal impact
dagger heels
October
seraphim
pomegranate
blue-eyed cyanide
candyfloss
hot ice
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very cool piece. Fantastic. You incorporated the words brilliantly and beautifully. Wonderful piece!
And yar, i'm making up for missing loads of your work
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Cheers Jess. Caz. Xx
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Hello, Barbie. I get a sense from your poem that you didn't like, maybe, the confines of working with a word list? This sense I speak of here comes from the line; "I want to shoot myself". These are not in the word list. lol
Indifference.
This word is quite cleverly shown in the first stanza. The unsponge like pearl incapable of absorbing the toxic situ {assumed}, planes nicely- the word painted indifferent pearl is clearly seen.
You've weaved in notions of hot and cold, new and old,
effectively projecting the word. I like that.
The final stanza is unlike what I understand as a meaning for indifference.
You write with great complexity, which I find enjoyable. Thanks for a good read. ~ Clay.
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I didn't like having to use 10 words from that particular list; I don't think anyone's a fan of 'candycane dementia'. Thanks for your interpretation - your idea of the first stanza in particular implies that I am a better writer than I am (I hadn't realised it implied what you pointed out - pearls indifferent to poison). I had, however, put a hidden meaning behind those lines - perhaps you would notice it if you read again (especially, 'you sucked me up').
The final stanza has nothing to do with indifference, because (as I replied to wattle) it is not the speaker's indifference I refer to. In fact, that stanza should scream the complete opposite of indifference if it works as I intended. Thanks for the compliment - I aim to make the reader think and force them to read again. 'Lazy people should learn a lesson from ants' as it says in the Bible. I have no idea what that means either. Barbie. Xx
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wow
A Barbie original, this is a great day (for me). Why do poets only function when the world is falling down? --- I'm thinking the arithmetic of the situation might help – 3,000,000,000 guys out there; quite a lot more to try before the correct one pops up. ---- My advice: Study hard and be kind to your mother (grow older gracefully (on the surface)). - There is always a Porsche at the end of the rainbow.
Thank you (Barbie, digs for gold and discovers black sticky liquid stuff; washes hands, disappointed.)
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I can't write when I'm happy - it comes out as sugar coated drivel. I am still with him and hopefully will be for at least a while, I was just frustrated when I wrote this. (Take a glance at the title - it is not my 'indifference'.) I always study hard and attempt to be kind to my mother (grin). I'd be hapy if there was a pot of something shiny at the end of the rainbow. Barbie. Xx
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Random Response
Cheer up dear, it'll be alright
How's about we go to the pub
Grab us a nice cold beer
I make this offer
cause I have nothing else to give
What can I say, I'm a man, a scoffer
Sure I've got no substance
nothing beyond this shell
Yes I ran, but I believe in a second chance
But no, you give me none
I can't cover up my mistakes and lies
behind the thin veneer of jokes and puns -
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Explain yourself Mr Mellors. Caz. Xx
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