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Trapped in you

You caught me up in your
Reflection
Trapped my heart within your
Spectrum
Now I scream,
And there is no one left to
hear

You wrapped my soul inside your
Frozen contemplation,
You were the lethal pill I had to take
To breathe,
And now from deep within I bleed

You threw me back in
my own face
distorted lies,
and smothered cries,
you locked me in my
mirrored life
with dead goodbyes for company

Author notes

rhymes slightly, but i hope it is ok

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Kiusha
    June 12, 2007

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    I love this: 'You were the lethal pill I had to take to breathe'. I like the spectrum and reflection and contemplation and the dead goodbyes for company. The 'now I scream and there's no one left to hear' seemed to come out of nowhere, but for the rest everything works reasonably well.
    Your line breaks give it a choppy feel. If they are intended to sound more thoughtful you might want to make use of ellipses:

    'You caught me up in your...
    reflection'

    though personally I feel the lines would work best if you eliminated those line breaks completely.

    Perhaps you could have expanded some more on this poem.

    This is quite a good write, and I'm sorry to say it fell from the top ten. Thank you for entering and feel free to enter another poem.


  • Vagabond
    April 4, 2007

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    its fine... rhyming is sometimes a challenge for people (myself i'm challenged to write without it, but to each his own and all) Fairly good work on this piece, with a reasonably constant flow throughout. your emotions are potent within this piece and that makes it attractive in compare to some of the hollow writes you see on AP. Good work anways and thanks for entering, best of luck to you!


  • poettrical
    March 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Really good!


  • Dark Whispers
    March 28, 2007

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    Such a powerfull interesting poem,the insight in this poem is truely amazing. good luck in the contest


  • Myjoy gold member
    March 23, 2007

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    Wow this is powerful

    What a wonderfuly sad write. This is amazing to me how much insight you seem to have for one so young. Well done.


  • wolfcub
    March 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the first and last stanzas but not so sure about the middle one. Great description and again very powerful.
    welldone!
    Katie


  • Bigmammajen
    March 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is really powerful.
    great work and great images in this.


  • hopes of sorrow
    March 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this piece, you were very descriptive in this one. I had alot of images going through my mind reading this, so you did really well on imagery. Good job!!


  • penman gold member
    March 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Very creative

    Wonderul images you have penned. Very impressive. Good luck in the contes.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    March 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I am not quite sure how I feel with this one, even after reading through a couple of times.

    Your images are well done though. LOL, don't take the above as a negative.


  • Desire gold member
    March 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wow-

    Now this is Creative!
    Love the images You share and took me there...
    Thank You for sharing Your Talent!
    The *you threw me back in my face,
    distorted lies*...
    Ouch...

    Best wishes to You in the contest
    Many blessings too
    and much love~ Desire~*~

1 - 11 of 11