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Scorched

Sitting under the blazing sun
Looking for the clouds
I am in the dessert
Thirsty for so much more
I am walking around in circles
Longing for something to drink
My thirsty soul is being scorched
By the flame of this world
I fall to the ground
Scraping in the sand
Begging for some water
Many people pass me by
With cantines full of life
Yet no one stops to give
This aching heart something to drink
I need to be replenished
I am not who I was when I left the slavery I was in
I am just as trapped out here
I am covered in dust
I am broken by the heat of the sun
I am scorched

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • grass
    May 11, 2007

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    This was a little too stream-of-conciousness for me. Your theme was neat, I guess, and I like the potential metaphors behind it, but your language was dull. Gimme some vivid figurative jazz! This still needs work.
    Thankyou for the entry, regardless.


  • lie
    May 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I think the piece could use a little punctuation to direct the reader as to where you're headed- whether you're finishing thought or it's an ongoing one.
    The idea behind the poem is great. You kept well to the theme and you didn't get wisped away to somewhere else. I also like the way you approached the topic in a metaphorical sense.
    In my opinion, the imagery could use a little assistance. The wording was too straightforward for my taste.
    Overall, good. Not to my preference but maybe fishbone will like it. Thank you for the entry.


  • Lj-
    March 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like the "scorched" concept, very creative.

    Nicely done.


    Thank you for your entry,
    Good luck!