What next . .

Throughout most of my adult life . .
desperation has been a permanent
companion.

I have been cocooned in a world
of unwanted consequences
which were in fact the outcome of
good intentions and attempts to make-do
with what ultimately proved to be
imprudent decisions . .
usually through no fault of my own

I have consistently followed
an unhappy path
that I made for myself . . 
as if it were the only
logical way forward -
whilst knowing only too well
that I was fabricating a façade
of white lies and innuendo that created
a myth totally alien to what I
and my surroundings
really were.

And consequently the desperation
and despondency grew and grew . .
and a benign anger has developed
out of my hopelessness

I have always regarded myself
as a kind person, a caring person
someone with feelings for others

Yet that became my weakness
which allowed people . .
to take advantage . .

Sadly I have watched as evil
undeserving people have
grown and grown leaving me
in their shadow –

How could such people
be blessed . . they were like
disciples of the devil . .
yet they just raced ahead . .
whilst I stood dejected . .
and ashamedly envious

Did God really want them
to bypass me . . a well intended
yet misunderstood soul . .
what was . . or is. . 
the purpose of my life,
and can rectifications
and restitution be attempted
at this late hour

Do I wish . .
acknowledgement of myself
or revenge on others . .

Sadly I am not sure . .
for I am still stumbling
along the same 
pointless path to oblivion
drowning in my sea of
self made haplessness

H – E – L – P