Wonderful swirls of light around her head
The confusion fades the life out of her soul
Now carrying it away with all the others
Can you hear the wolf cry and howl
Why do they sound so sad and broken
Lost in her little world of echoes
Where they scatter in in ones or pairs
Something is sucking the light away
Look into those fading eyes and see
Time spins out of control
The moon goes through it's twelve changes
And the forests lose their leaves
Wind carries words that whisper
In a beautiful calligraphy
The sun burns in a bright crimson
And the fields blow in a breeze
Of chaotic romance and tragedy
Can you see the story
Twisted in all it's ways
How her world burns itself
With hate and misery
Once a place of love and color
Now melts away in her eyes
Can you see the light swirl
Around in itself and disappear
Like it never existed
The life that filled her now dissolved
In a simple and painful moment
Author notes
I just started out with something that had to do with the way someone half insane might think, then it kind of went a little far. I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense.
A contest entry
- Clean Ugly by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended July 21, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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You have a typo in line 7. You have the word "in" twice.
I believe that a writer should have something to say, and that they should pick every image, metaphor, allusion, symbol and simile so that the reader will understand the point that you are making. If what you write does not make sense to you, then how is it going to make sense to anybody else? And if it makes no sense, why would anybody else want to read it?
Okay, having said that, I do see some sense in this. You use a lot of death symbols in this, and I think that with some trimming, it could be a good poem, if you cut out all of the cliches and superfulous words. In my opinion, your line 11 is your best one. It is a very good way to show the passing to time. I also think that line 26 is a good line to end on. It is very strong. Lines 27 and 28 should be cut because they take its power away.
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Can't say I understand it... But it is prettiful~ <33
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