She wanted someplace public,
wanted the distraction of idle chatter,
so they sat on fifth street
at a small wooden table
in front of an indistinct coffee shop.
Her mother stared at her
across her steaming chai latte.
The intensity of her glare
forced her to misdirect her eyes
to the celtic knot that dangled
from the chain around her neck.
The barista offered
a welcome distraction.
Both women watched
as he spilled mugs onto the floor,
winced as the glass shattered,
spilled espresso and foam
on the linoleum.
Her mother's eyes quickly resumed
the appraisal of her face
as the chai latte seethed
its silent disapproval between them.
She tucked her hair behind
her ears, and chewed her bottom lip,
allowed her tired eyes
to return her mother's gaze.
The mugs clattered
as the barista swept them
into a dustpan and discarded
their remnants. She fidgeted.
Her fingers found the celtic knot
and began to slide it
across the links on her neck.
She inhaled sharply
and let the words tumble out.
"I'm keeping the baby."
Author notes
Hopefully this poem abides by these guidelines:
The characters are mother and daughter.
1. Where are they?
2. there's an object between them
3. accessory
4. something they both see
5. something they both hear
6. the object gets feelings
7. describe one character
8. the sound changes
9. accessory changes
10. one character says something unexpected
In a list
A contest entry
- Creative-Writing Workshop (IMPROVE YOUR SKILLS) by Girl With Guitar.
1350 points, ended April 2, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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i think its fantabulous... and the suspense of it all was quite off topic... nicely done. i remember being 17 and feeling like this.
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LIONS HAVE PRIDE!
Wow amazing suspense, this really grabbed my attention, you did a great job within the confines of the contest, no wonder you were awarded a trophy
The imagery made me feel I was sitting there with my own chai latte watching the scene unfold...great expression in the determination to keep the baby, she came over as brave and stubborn
Wonderful flow of thoughts, very engaging, exciting twist at the end... a devine piece
Love and smiles...
~Lilac
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LIONS HAVE PRIDE!
You did an amazing job with this peice! I love the decriptions in the piece. Well done!
xAngelx4xLife
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LIONS HAVE PRIDE!
Wow. This in an incredible write! The descriptions are wonderful, and the way you ended it...just amazing. This is truly a masterpiece.
hugs,
Steph
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LIONS HAVE PRIDE!
This poem has a lot of quality and character. The description in it is amazing. It has a nice vivid imagery. The flow and tone is smooth. The message is interesting and creative. This is a very solid and powerful piece of poetry. Enjoyable read. The poem was so for real. Congrats on the trophy.
~Snappy~
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Lions Have Pride!!
Powerful verse You have penned and kept me on the edge of my seat
Just waiting for the next line to come!
Love the ending for I can only imagine decision made and having to stand up for one's own beliefs
Congratulations on Your trophy win
Thank You for sharing Your Talent!!
Many blessings to You
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
-
LIONS HAVE PRIDE
NOT MUCH TO SAY BUT
THIS IS A VERY POWERFUL PIECE
GREAT JOB
-
Lions Have Pride!!!
WOW!!!!!! I think you have seen my past here.
Sounds just like the conversation I had with my adopted father when I was pregnant with my oldest boy. He told me I had a choice, abort the baby or put it up for adoption. I told him I had no choice, I was keeping the baby! That was the best choice I made in my life! I am soooooo glad I made that choice! He is a wonderful son! And about to become a "daddy" himself!
Great job on this one. Congrats on the Honorable win. -
LIONS HAVE PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Dear >Pixxie<
This is such a Rich write ~
Full of imagery and tasteful ~
I love the way you found a place to present
all charators within this write, and keep
us focused on what was really going on ~
This is indeed a sign of good writing
and a signature of story telling ~
Do you have any others like this Hun ~
I thought this was fasinating ~
I was a short story writer bfore a Poet,
that's why this piece really caught me
and kept me reading.....well done Pix ~
Bear ~
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LIONS HAVE PRIDE!
WOW!!! This is an original write, filled with emotion, and I simply adore this. You used all the write words in all the write places. Wow. So relevant to so many people! Amazing job.
-
Lions Have Pride
Well done This is a write filled wiht wonderful emothion. They rythem abd the flow wonderful. You have chosen you words welland used them expertly. The story is precise lovely and touching.
*Go with God, My Friend,
Valerie
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bravo
this is horrible, so terrible relevent, so true
the eternity and iighyears that are the table between these two woman, that a p;ace on neutrality needed to be sought
that there was no understanding of the life coice made.
as i sat at the table next to them my heart sank
she chose to keep life, to bring hope to a future.
but knew this choice was the one that was probally going to be rejected.
your words flow like a river of love and compassion
the bring the taste and smells of coffee to my lips and nose.
this was such an excellant write such a wonderful heart you have and chose words that made each second of this encounter real
thank you very very much.
i am sorry they do not have a 5 or 6 bunny ear award.
-
BANDITS UNITED
This has a wealth of description, it is rich, brings the reader right into the scene using all the senses, makes us want to know the before and after. Well-woven.
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LIONS HAVE PRIDE!
This was quite a challenge and you created an excellent story. You expressed the conflict by description of emotion and snapshots of feelings. The suspense throughout the story builds and peaks at the end when determination that the decision is made. A well crafted piece. Congratulations on winning Honorable Mention. Well deserved.
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LIONS HAVE PRIDE!!!
This looks like it was a very hard challenge, following all those guidelines! Wow! And what an excellent job you've done telling the story. The end comes as a surprise and the tension mounts all the way to that "revelation". It reminds me very much of the night I told my parents I was pregnant...the nervousness, the disaproving glares...yes, I can definitely relate. Congratulations on the HM; I thought this was very enjoyable and well written.
Best wishes,
~J.
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a tough way to write. To go by those guidelines. I especially liked the reference to the celtic knot necklace. I have one myself.
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Well Done!
You certainly did an excellent job with this...and without unnecessary wordiness. Your choice of words were excellent...describing the where and what of it. I really enjoyed it. I was enthralled from beginning to end.
Yes, it looks like you fulfilled all of the requirements for the contest and then some...
I really liked and related to this part;
"The barista offered
a welcome distraction.
Both women watched
as he spilled mugs onto the floor,"
I've experienced this welcome interruption to the awkwardness many times in my life. The coffee sounded so good and I like how you used this theme throughout. I could smell and taste it...
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Excellent
Very well done. Really enjoy this one. Good luck in the contest.
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Excellent
I fell into this poem like a soft bed. our imagery is so perfect.(Wish I had a zillion points to award this with).
Joe
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I don't drink coffee or tea, but this poem went down smooth and I don't need any antacids for later. Beautiful everything in this poem, G.
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Oh, wow! This is so strong, the sentiments you convey and the emotions of this are so deep - it made me stop. It's really something, this is just, amazing...the last line just really made me stop- even though all the way through- i thought it was completely something else...the expressions of the mother and even
'the chai latte seethed
its silent disapproval between them...'
- brilliantly unexpected!!
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This piece ALMOST gave me goosebumps.
I must say, it was a little hard to follow, but only because there is a set of instructions. Otherwise I wouldn't have thought that.
Great piece, thank you for following my rules and instructions.
Good luck
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