Grass, dark-dank green in the park
Jonquils and tulips shaded ‘twixt trees, skirting them.
Trembles in the forest - Lovers of night rise and go.
Cat’s burning eyes haunting the night, rising foul spirits…
Rushes of the livid limbs against the wind
Powerf’ly strong, the storm gathers fury –
-Sweet fury of jealous rage, intoxicating the owner –
The flowers sing soiled eulogies as
The rain dashes the dirt against their waving limbs.
I run, covering-cowered towards the wind, taking foul spirits with me.
Author notes
Nooo idea where this came from. if you don't get it...that's ok. but yeah.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I'm really not sure about this, it just feels like an imitation of an older style of poetry, but I don't know why. The words themselves are lovely, but all together? It feels like a bit too much, imagery too thick, it's no gentle poem by any means, more like a kick in the teeth, and I can't decide whether to kick back... Hmm... I'll probably get back to you about this, thankyou for entering.
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Thanks for critiquing my poem. The imagery IS a bit much, but I'm not sure how to downplay it....open to suggestions if you've got 'em. I don't think I've ever seen a poem like this before, so I'm not sure how it could be an imitation...but anyways thanks again for giving an honest opinion.
gracie
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Take a look at poets like Wordsworth, this has a feeling to it similar to his works, as for thinning the imagery, there is a person in this mentioned... 'I', if you wrote a little bit more about this person it would thin the imagery out quite effectively, keep the lines you have, just add a few in between.
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Thanks for the advice, I am working on edits as you suggested.
gracie
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This piece really picked up as I got deeper into it.. Almost as if you were unsure of yourself at first, and then really plunged in!
I especially liked "livid limbs against the wind." Nicely done, Clules.
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