Granny’s in the kitchen
cookin’ Christmas cakes
You really haven’t lived
till you’ve baked like Granny bakes.
She hops up at 5:30
That’s a.m. to you city folk
takes a little nip
ties the asses to the yolk
Drives down to the barn
(It’s colder out then sin)
Swallows bout a finger
gets the eggs from ‘neath the hen
She feels a little warmer
as she pads back in the house
but she needs a sip for strength
(No granny’s not a souse)
She throws a one cup of sugar
and some flower in the bowl
takes a sip of whisky
with the bottle makes a hole
fills it up with lemon juice
4 eggs, and some raw nuts
she’s heating up some rum
drinks a bit to clear her guts
one cup of sweet brown sugar
and a little pinch of salt
(boy it’s getting warm in here)
so she chugs a pint of malt.
It’s time to add the fruit
it’s sweet as canes of candy
granny drinks the broth
she’s been soaking it in brandy
Granny’s getting rosy
“lordy child, the heat”
She’s been cookin now since dawn
and hasn’t had a bit to eat
“but the Christmas cake’s impotent”
“I mean important to us all”
“I promise that I’ll finish
Just let me answer natures call.”
So Granny heads off for the john
a bottle in her hand
And when she waddles back this way
she can hardly stand.
“now where were we” she mutters
at least I think that’s what I heard
Cause she’s leaning on the counter
and her words are kind of slurred
She grabs a great big wooden spoon
and starts to stir the batter
bumps the whisky bottle
and it tumbles with a clatter
Never one to care for waste
she sweeps it in a cup
then I watch in disbelief
as she licks the splatters up
now the pan goes in the oven
(Granny doesn’t use a mitt)
she ices down the brandy
and she takes another hit
The family’s all arriving
and they laugh at granny’s grin
But when she serves dessert
they’ll all be reaching for the gin
the poor cake didn’t rise
(now what’s that all about)
Poor granny was so smashed…
She left the baking soda OUT.
Patricia Gibson-Little
July 1, 2003
Author notes
I tried to make sure I used all your ingredients. But I was drinking right along with Granny so let me know if I left any out. I’m glad to see someone posted the recipe that inspired this contest I knew I had seen one before, and got a laugh out of reading it.
Patti
Written July 1st, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- For 700 points -Christmas Cake Recipe by rufina caraid.
700 points, ended August 1, 2003, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I know this was written a long time ago, but the "return the favour" link decided to take me here. That was incredibly amusing. You couldn't have ended it better
Keep writing, you're so cute with it 
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Hilarious and very skillfully crafted. Not every one knows the art of baking a witty poem!!
Krishna
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humoriffic
i wish my grany was like this!! lmao!! taht would be pretty awesome to have a granny like this!! this is hilarious poem! -
haha...omg...that's so funny... and the author's notes...too funny. ah yes, i wish my granny was like that...it sure would make the holidays a tad more interesting...btw, how did you do on the contest, cuz I think it deserves like...190814902854908 points, lol.
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"Granny was so smashed, she left the baking soda out!" I loved the last line. Great fun and great poem! Keep up the work and good luck!
Sending Jesus' Forgiving Love,
The Maimed Flower
(Keepin' it PG) -
I heard that Dan - and me being a complete tee totaller !!! (hic)
I might be looking for volunteers though
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This is a wonderfully funny poem, Patti. I enjoyed this very much. So, cookin' CAN be fun! Good luck on the contest. I'm sure Von will personally test out ALL of these recipes.
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Exellent write! Had me chuckling the entire time!
Well done...Hmmm I think my granny used to make a cake...just...like...that! LOL
Good luck!
Mary Ann -
this is gorgeous - go Granny!!!
i visualised this little old lady swaying to and fro around her kitchen - very funny.
Thanks do much for entering
~Von~ -
Patti, this is a most brilliant entry to Von's contest...
you had me in stitches with it..well done.
i could just visualise old granny there doin' her bakin'
a wonderful humerous poem...good luck with the contest.
Ann
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