I watch you fall down and I can't do a thing
I stand and watch and I can't help but sting.
I'm watching you die before my eyes
All in this world of hurtful lies.
I can't, I shouldn't, I won't let it go
Don't tell me to leave
I'm not gonna go.
I'm not gonna let you ruin your life
I'm not gonna let you give up the strife.
I'm not gonna let you lose the fight
Don't tell me I'm wrong, I have a right.
I can't, I shouldn't, I won't let it go
Don't tell me to leave
I'm not gonna go.
When you fall I'll help you stand
But for that I'll need a hand to grab.
Don't shove me away, don't push me anymore
I'll be here till the end and furthermore.
I can't, I shouldn't, I won't let it go
Don't tell me to leave
I'm not gonna go.
Whenever your ready, I'm standing right here
You need some help, and that is clear.
Don't say that I don't understand
I'm here to lend a helping hand.
I can't, I shouldn't, I won't let it go
Don't tell me to leave
I'm not gonna go.
Author notes
I have a friend who is having some issues with drugs. He pushes people who care about him away and some have given up on him. I won't let that happen here. It's sadly typical teenage problems that we have to deal with.
A contest entry
- x |Heroin| x by Dead Star--x.
300 points, ended April 16, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a contest for poets with thick skin. by duke of balabamas.
300 points, ended April 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - so pretty much anything by Last Pixie.
300 points, ended June 11, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teenage by Lj-.
300 points, ended May 30, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
EXCELLENT AND HEART FELT
Yes indeed as a friend or wife or even a person that has become to know you in times of trouble none would let go of the life you think so little of . I have heard people say how can you love me when I dont even love myself . Its because we look inside at the person there a place you left behind and became unaware .
-
Very nice. I didn't really like the rhyme, it was a bit plain.
Thank you for your entry,
Best of luck!
-
wow. nice. for some reason the background fits with this poem. very nice. i hope u dont give up cuz then ur friend may really hit bottom.
-
ill be honest at the onset on this one. it is really not a solid piece and will be held up to plenty of scrutiny.
the biggest fault here is just all-in-all forced rhyming and awkward wording. thats the struggle in rhyming poetry. the life-strife thing has been done sooooo many times, that even if the lines are solid, its going to distract your audience. guaranteed. your second line: "I stand and watch and I can't help but sting." doesnt really make much sense, honestly. cant help but sting?
i noticed that you, like an earlier piece, struggled with this idea of a repetitive stanza. you went with a good idea, throwing off the aabb pattern that gets to be droll if left to itself, but the actual lines werent really poerful enough. those lines need to be the overriding theme that the other lines can latch on to, and in certain cases, like after the fifth stanza, the "i cant, i wont" stuff actually negates the meaning of the lines. its forgivable, yes. and a discerning reader will easily pick up on what you intended, but it is seriously flawed.
the next point to be made is a simple one. "gonna" should not be used in this piece. its not sophisticated enough a word, and it really plays a gainst the message. if you insist on making a more colloquial piece, youll need to throw in more slang, but i would suggest pulling back on it, especially outside of the "chorus" lines.
another thing that really grinds at me about the piece is that its not metrically appealing. you didnt really make any attempts to keep the piece in any sort of structure. ive made this comment on many a poem in the past, rhyming poetry is not meant to stray too far from form. otherwise, you end up rushing to the rhyme instead of looking into the quality of the words between.
you have one slant rhyme in the entire piece. that just should not be the case. slant rhyme is fine if it more consistent and it flows into the next line, but each of these lines are so rigid. statement-period-statement-comma-but-statement. you really cant afford to rest on the comfort of the slant rhyme.
overall, this piece is kind of a mess with good intentions. i would highly advise looking into meter and form in poetry. there are plenty of great examples on this site and many more outside of it. due to a real lack of flow and the simplistic, nonmetaphorical nature of the poem, id give it about a 20/100. it really suffers for its faults and is too simple to make up for it with its better qualities.
DS -
It wasn't really about helping other recover, but this poems beautiful
-
Awesome
This is a great read from start to finish. you`re a gifted writer keep on writing. thanks oncemore for an awesime read.
-
A very powerfull piece you have written about your friend here.....however I did notice your authors notes and to me the poem sounds like some one whom is attempting to commit sucide, that is just my perspective of the poem and thats what poems should do, make us think, laugh and feel the writers emotion, and in that my friend you have done yourself a grand justice!
P.S Monkeys dont say no to drugs, they grunt! -
only love
Deep faith and love ,,, be of care you don't fall..
sad is the fate of some; love is the greatest but we stand alone sometimes in this battle..
-
Awesome
This poem is cool. It could be seen as being about, Faith in God, A good Friendship, or a romantic couple. I like the repitition it really makes the poem flow. I also like how each peice fits together. My poems usually don't work that way so I find a person who can do that to be very talented.
-
I am in agreement with dustookie2..a defininite rhythm
goin on here...i liked the message and how you presented it..just a cautionary word from one who has been there...when helping someone starts hurting you...it's time to re evaluate, take it or leave it...I mean no disrespect...back to the poem....I really though it was good
-
Yes I do feel a song in the making has a lyrical feel
Great title after I read the piece it really relates to your lies. Your introductio sets the emotional atmosphere and draws the attention which you hold to the end. This is an emotionally powerful post with imagery fueled by the passion of the writer and friend. I understand the fight your friend has to battle and hope it works for them. You lines flow with ease and supported with good rhyme What a brilliant message of friendship very inspirationalThank you for the pleasure of the readNicely crafted
-
wow
Right frome the first stanza you capture the reader,
I watch you fall down and I can't do a thing
I stand and watch and I can't help but sting.
I'm watching you die before my eyes
All in this world of hurtful lies.
from there your write just escelates,
what a powerful, deep, emotional piece you have here.
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
