When I breath in it smells
like swimming pools
and memories shoot forward to my eyes
I see myself
drowning when i was nine.
I told my teacher I was
fine
but the lifeguard who
saved me made me
join the remedial group.
And so,
I was with simple Sarah
(she smelt bad too).
Oh, I looked a fool.
So I faked a verucca
the rest of the term.
A contest entry
- Old memories!! by YourGuardian.
500 points, ended June 6, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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First thing to remember is have faith in you. When you leave author notes that your work is poor; it will come across that way. If you don't believe in yourself as a writer, How can we believe in what you write? Just a thought. The piece is not bad. If it were me I might play with the line breaks some for the flow. It is a bit rough. Overall it's a very nice piece.
When I breath in it smells
like swimming pools
and memoriesd shoot forward to
my eyes
and i see myself
drowning when i was nine.
When I inhale it smells like
swimming pools.
Memories thrust forward,
flashing in front of my eyes;
I see myself when I was nine.
Just a little play. Hope you are not offended. This is just an opinion meant to help. I am not a proffesional. Keep Penning.
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hehehehe...i don't know why but the last two lines keep making me giggle over and over again...
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