Lightly dance upon my shore
a blue, cold fire
Erasing all who came before
you
Let rippled guests be your witness
To the wonderess ballet
Contained in this...
Night
Glittering above, starry-eyed Gods
look on
As new light creeps from behind.
A contest entry
- whatever the fuck you want III by Nam.
345 points, ended March 29, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I don't like the inference of the second line. I know what you're saying, but the implication of the person's past with other people is a part of that person. It made them who they are and therefore made them - in essence - come to "you".
I don't think the ellipses in the third line of the second is really needed.
This has a good picturesque quality to it, it's a simple piece that is slightly emotional from the point-of-view of the writer but not so much on the reader, it's just an imagery piece. A painting hanging on a wall and you're painting the words for people to gaze at to see the picture and perhaps more (if there is more) behind the picture.
It's a good piece, and a good start for this Contest (usually isn't).
-Nam -
Incredible piece you have here. It's one that demands more than one good, solid reading, and you can't find many of those these days.
I especially loved the first stanza:
"Lightly dance upon my shore
a blue, cold fire
Erasing all who came before
you"
Such a vivid picture! Great imagery!
Keep it up.
Lady H
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creeping from behind rather intrigues me..interesting concept hereI am confused with this line "glittering above, starry eyed Gods look on" I know it is referencing "stars, moon and God" but "Gods???" how many are there? or perhaps I am reading it all wrong
anyway, it is a little piece of thought provoking work...hope Nam likes it..best of luck
freda
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The line Starry eyed gods is just a refference to the heavens in general. You know, planets and moons and such. God as in the omnipotent being has nothing to do with it. So you were more or less right on the money
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Very Beautiful
I absolutely adore the imagery.
"Lightly dance upon my shore
a blue, cold fire
Erasing all who came before
you"
It is very elegant and deep. i love the play on words that you have used here.
"Let rippled guests be your witness
To the wonderess ballet
Contained in this...
Night"
This is very beautiful indeed, once again the imagery is very well placed and used. What I see as I read this is very lovely. I am sure that what I see differs a little from what you see but i believe that you have done a great job at expressing your thoughts in this one
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very good...
took me in to another world... -
I adore this, very descriptive and there's something very tender about it.
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