Scream so loud, so that I can't hear.
bleed so much my eyes can't see,
and feel so bad, so my heart can't hurt anymore.
I don't need another reason to take a blade to my skin.
blade to my skin,
and crimson flowing.
How stupid was I?
to expect anything.
crimson flowers bud and blossom on the ground
dripping slowly, slowly down
you don't know who I am do you?
I know you think you do,
but you don't 'cause i was smart enough to not let you know
But still this hurts, and still this pains
the rivers etching in my veins.
silver tears,
form a flow
tiny drops to down below
they pool around my crimson petals.
crimson formed from black makes silver.
I'll smile like it didn't mean a thing
smile once for everything
Stab me with the knife i bought you
and I'll laugh silver as i fall
into an onyx abyss i miss so much
rip out my bleeding beating heart
black blades to the ground, yours and mine
the threads no longer make of twine
but made of hate, of the worst kind
Self hate.
But still I'll smile,
like it's okay
but one day,
if you ever liked me,
dare i say loved me,
take black to this crimson,
and for once I'll shed my silver light.
Author notes
was originally a freewrite, part of why the flow is... odd but i liked it.
~~for contests~~
option 4 Soten-Jaganshi
--'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off'--
[x].Topics.[x]
everything i had is gone
Shinku-Ha
AP sister
A contest entry
- Take Me Away. Take Me To Dreamland. by Xx-emaculation-xX.
950 points, ended April 8, 2007, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emo me up.. by neon nightmares.
300 points, ended April 3, 2007, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark and Sad by VaioXHailey.
300 points, ended April 6, 2007, 42 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything! I want you to blow me away with your talent! by Heavens Child.
850 points, ended April 5, 2007, 112 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark and Depressing...Please enter by XHollowXEyesX.
700 points, ended April 6, 2007, 119 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - How Are You Feeling? ((PRE-WRITES ALLOWED!)) by A Murderous Lament.
390 points, ended April 28, 2007, 167 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options for Everyone by Tears and Raine.
450 points, ended May 18, 2007, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Keep my attention by writing something great!!! by Luciferschild.
400 points, ended May 22, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 203;203;203;203;203;203;​​;​;&#& by WhatLiesBeneath.
690 points, ended July 15, 2007, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Strike my emotions and Join my AP Family by Diggs McGee.
468 points, ended July 20, 2007, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkness, Let Me See Your Darkness by AshesFromFire.
700 points, ended July 21, 2007, 79 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [Baby Tug The String On My Back, Maybe I'll Breathe A Little Longer.] by SarahEatsAirplane.
343 points, ended August 21, 2007, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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this flows so well in so many places your words all but jump out and smack me in the face and pound at my heart.
you don't know who I am do you?
I know you think you do,
but you don't 'cause i was smart enough to not let you know
But still this hurts, and still this pains
the rivers etching in my veins.
silver tears,
form a flow
tiny drops to down below
this was my favorite part the way these flowed and the feelings they brought forth while i read amazing piece
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The sheer extreme of feeling in this poem is evident in the opening four lines and really sets the mood for the reader. The feel the lines “you don't know who I am do you? / I know you think you do,/ but you don't 'cause i was smart enough to not let you know” say so much about how some people are as they want to be ‘known’ but very often hide their true self behind a mask so that others don’t or can’t really do so. From the words here it seems that this still causes pain and suffering yet the person knows what they are doing and hate themselves for it, thus causing more pain. I like the flow of this poem, especially when it starts to use rhyme and think that though it started off as a free-verse and works quite well that way, it might be improved if rewritten all in rhyme. The use of colour is also effective in this piece and nicely reinforces the images of the blade and blood.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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"Scream so loud, so that I can't hear.
bleed so much my eyes can't see,"
I loved those lines. A great opening I must say. You really deserved the gold and bronze on this. It's so sad, and I really felt all the emotions you portrayed! -
very nice but a little lengthy. the beginning started out good but it kept going when it felt like it should have wrapped it up and stopped.
good write, though.
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This is an amazing freewrite poem. I didn't think that there were any places where is didn't flow well. It was set out wonderfully and the words flowed fantasticly. You have talent and it really was shown in this poem. It came from the heart and I loved it. Thanks for entering.
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Excellent poem. I feel it's pain and relate to it closely. I like the way it sounds here, the rhyming and all that, although--to me--some parts of the content are a bit off in and of themselves, I think. Congradulations on winning a few trophies for it!~
Isalie
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wow babe,
this was soo wrighten with in your heart
i love that..and this is such a wounderful poem..
keep it up sweet..
luvs *gina*
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Opetion 5 in a contest -- Freewrite.
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this is so deep and full of emotion. i like rhyme, but i often find most rhymes to be forced and i can't stand that! this piece just flowed so beautifully that i was, but yet i wasn't aware of much rhyme as i was reading it. it wasn't pushed! the words just flowed! i like that in rhyming poetry. you captured me from the first line and had me until the end!
~bee
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good
Ii really liked it i really do and I understand but do you think you can look at mine to one day pls bye bye
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great job really nicely done great job you made my finals list
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wow this is an amazing write, it is so deep and powerfully written. YOu manged to describe what it is like to go through this with such raw emotion and the reader is able to connect so deeply with what you have written.
thanks for entering and goodlcuk -
Well my friend you've had some interesting feedback. If this is how you feel then write away....we can only find people to relate to us when we write our truth...if we're cutters then we need to tell it like it is. This is an awesome write, obviously coming from the depths of your heart...thanx for the entry in my contest.
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nice job you made the finals list
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OH MY GOD... this is amazing. You've done well here. I love the line 'I'll smile like it didn't mean a thing'
I really like the fact that you have an irreguklar rhyme going on here. My absolute fave biut of the poem is the lines
if you ever liked me,
dare i say loved me,
take black to this crimson,
and for once I'll shed my silver light.
I know how it feels to be feeling like this.
good job, thanks for entering and good luck.
luvvs
xxx -
this was a great write and i can totally relate to what you are saying and feeling in this write...your words were strong and powerful..the flow to this poem was smooth and the ending was great..keep writting and good luck in the contest
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This poem seemed so damn personal that it actaully hurt me to read it. It broke my heart in an amazingly beautiful way and I personally think the flow was excellent. Great job and good luck in the contests.
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Amazing job, Soten. I love the detail that you put into this poem.
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Beautiful
It is a very good poem...The reason it is so good is that it is that I feel an emotional connection to it...No one wants to admit that they've felt that bad but I have...It is a beautiful miracle to be past that point of pain and use the talent and creativity to write something beautiful instead
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i loved this poem. not all of it rymed but it worked. i like how dark it was and how it was so well writen.
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Allright. Time for honesty- You show real poetic potential. "But still this hurts, and still this pains
the rivers etching in my veins. "
Those were truly awesome lines- very creative. HOWEVER... any poem, and I mean ANY poem containing the word "crimson", let alone "razors" and "crimson flowers" is AUTOMATICALLY terrible, cliche poetry. You also used the word "crimson" way too many times. So honestly, this is really cool in some places, but very cliche in others. The crimson razors kind of throw it into the dark-emo-annoying-teenager category. (sorry about this comment but I wish someone had been this honest with my old poetry so I could have learned faster.) -
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well me being my smart-ass self i went a deleted one crimson from the poem ^.^ but beyond that. Cliche had nothing do do with this, it was only inspired by wht i was feeling at the moment, random lines to attepmt to spill my heart on the page. If you couldn't guess i WAS feeling rather emo and dark.
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Wow.
I loved this... beautifully written! Awesome word usage! One suggestion--the word crimson is a bit overused; you might want to take out a couple of the repetitions of 'crimson'. (I do the same thing; I know it's the perfect word, but it's not good to use it five times in teh same poem
)
"Stab me with the knife i bought you
and I'll laugh silver as i fall
into an onyx abyss i miss so much
rip out my bleeding beating heart
black blades to the ground, yours and mine"
Probably my favorite part there. But I loved teh whole thing... awesome job, and I'll DEFINITELY be back to read more!
I loved the rhyming, thrown in in just the perfect parts, to add an extra bit of interest to the piece!
~QoA
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Ahh, look at all these comments you've gotten. Good one, Soten~
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Very good...love these lines:I don't need another reason to take a blade to my crimson skin.
blade to my skin,
and crimson flowing.
How stupid was I?
to expect anything.
very good...i know what you mean...smiling on the inside to make everyone else but you feel ok, but inside you feel like hiding, and sheding a few tears...i really like this
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wow, i like this, even the random ryming lines
very good
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The flow is mainly what kept me reading it. I liked how a couple lines rhymed and the others were free. I wish you didn't use the word crimson so much, though. ._. (That was my only problem) Otherwise, great use of metaphor and overall very good!
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this is a moving piece and you can feel the pain and anger flowing out of it well done on a gr8 write keep it up j
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very dark write. Filled with anger and pain which comes across quite well. The flow is kind of bumpy but it didn't interfere with the reading. Not to me anyway.
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this is gorgeous. i love the word crimson[lol]
'crimson formed from black makes silver.' AND!
I LOVOOOOVE
'and for once I'll shed my silver light.'
i think your rhyme was almost perfect for me, you used it whenever it came up and it flowed. and i cant get over how genius your title is lol.<3
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Good work, but I found it a bit too choppy for my tastes. I'm not into cutting and I don't condone it in writing or elsewhere. I believe that feelings as such can be portrayed without bringing a knife into the picture, but you used it well and I must applause this work. I think that you could take this and refine it to make it become something so much more beautiful and let it shine to the stars. But that is just a young poets opinion and you don't have to listen. Best of luck in the future and I hope to see your works again...
~Levi
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this is such an expressive and dark piece of writing, it is art, pure and simple.
i especially like "crimson flowers bud and blossom on the ground
dripping slowly, slowly down" and "Stab me with the knife i bought you", these lines really make the poem something special to me.
well done
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supa cooo
i love this, very sad, but strangely uplifting. i liked the different form and flow, and the imagery drew a clear picture for me.
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Beautifully and poigniantly written. A really sensitive and thoughtful piece of writing - very well done
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Really like the thought the line "crimson flowers bud and blossom on the ground" puts in my head...Makes me think of my (and everyone elses) self hatred, and how we think to ourselves how terrible and worthless we are..And how we are our own worst critic. Love it. Please, do share somemore..
VERY well done for a free-write, I might add!
-Dark Raven
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