The darkness settled over the earth
Hoping for rest
Naive in my expectations
I lay there in the silence
Fear creeping
Terror overtaking
Filling my mind with thoughts of cruelty
Guilt for uncommitted crimes
Blackening my innocent soul
Unable to hide
Unable to flee
Fear and shame beating down
In this suffocating slumber
Twisting, tossing, trying to remove its grasp
I am not asleep
Yet I cannot wake up
This dread
This terror
This overwhelming guilt
Oh, when will day break,
When will the dawn arise
To release me from this sleepless torment?
A contest entry
- whatever the fuck you want III by Nam.
345 points, ended March 29, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
"Fear creeping", I think a better description could be placed here. Still keeping the usage of "fear" yet replacing "creeping" with a similar word.
"Strangling me" I feel would be best removed. It seems like a filler line.
Why would one have guilt for crimes they haven't committed? Why not have it as "Guilt for committed crimes"? Which in turn would "blacken" your soul?
The repetition you place from "I am not asleep" to "This terror" I feel could be worked down to 4 lines, instead of the 6 lines you have. The reader (including you) already know the perception of what you're writing, repeating it and then repeating it within those lines again, isn't really necessary.
"Laid upon the innocent" seems like a filler line, as well. As if you're venturing into another realm of thought that has nothing really to do with anything. At least, to me.
You have a question mark at the end of "Oh, when will day break?" yet not on the other two lines after it. Which is understandable in the repetition of question marks, however perhaps you should move the question mark to the last line or just not have it there at all.
I, personally, do not sleep at night, haven't for years, I sleep in the morning but I can remember what such dreams were like when I was in my youth years ago.
It's a nice piece, could use some work - if not by some of the things I state above, then if by re-reading it yourself, things that seem out-of-place to you - which I am sure there are currently.
-Nam -
Very well written, deep and confusing. Well written poem that seems to be someone's conscience keeping them from sleeping or resting. Looking for deliverence!
-
-
yeah, i spent the night last night having nightmares without the visual images. it was just the feeling of a horrible nightmare. this was my attempt to capture it at 5 in the morning after getting no sleep.
-
Adding your comment:
