Random Thoughts 6 (excerpts from my journal)

What is it that makes people contradict themselves and then deny it vehemently, believing that they are right beyond reason? Is it so important to them that they seem as if they know what they are talking about? And how does just so much word-sound convince others that you really do know what you are talking about?
If personal experiences are something that one should hold back from the average person, or even from everyone but the 'experiencee's' partner, then what would that make one consider about sexual experiences? Are those totally free to share with everyone? And I don't mean just talking about them. Are they free to be shared by several different people? It was put to me that when one shares personal experiences indiscriminately, it depreciates the value to the one's partner. I believe it is the same with sex.
These thoughts of mine are all stemming from the fact that I am so tired of being confronted by humans. I want to meet some human beings. A better term would be 'humans being'. The major difference is that humans are so often confused and their emotions, determination, ambition, and will are misdirected toward 'becoming' instead of 'being'.
You cannot flow against nature for very long. There are certain laws that even the governments must follow. The human nature in all of us is so subtle that we never even know that it is a part of us- that it is something that we already have that makes us who we are. We don't have to 'create' ourselves over. Why fix something that isn't broken? Why look for something that isn't lost? Why study something that we know innately?
I have traveled this country looking for 'who I am' and I've never found it. I couldn't find it in Texas, California, North Dakota, Florida, or in the Carolinas. If you want the honest truth, I still haven't found it. I still have no idea who I am. But that's OK. I understand who I am. Every day I am just being who I am. Every day I try to lose another piece of who I was trying to be before I realized that I was only trying to be me. I have traveled this country (and I know people who have traveled the world and can attest to the fact) and found that the true journey lies within. It is not even a step away.
Where do you think you're going to find yourself? Where on this earth are you finally going to realize that the very thing you are searching for was with you all along? Will you have to be 'financially secure' to find yourself? Will you have to have a house with all the 'buttons' to find out just who you are? Will you fight for causes that you know nothing about because you have never been there? Will you steep yourself in a society that knows nothing of who it is so it won't be quite so obvious that you are the same way? Or will you belong to a community that hides your feelings of inadequacy from yourself and applauds your 'strength of character' for what it does to make everyone else something 'better'? Where will you find yourself?
I once wrote another 'random thought' and it went something like this:
If I said that the world was shallow, you would think one way- your thoughts would feel a certain way.
If I said that the world was obvious you would think another way, your thoughts would be different.
But, if I said that the world was transparent, where would your thoughts turn then?
Never inward.
I never really understood what I had written. I just thought that it sounded cool. Now I believe that it was possibly the most profound thought that I have ever had.


There are no truths nor are there any lies in this world. These are nothing but words spoken. There is, also, no love and no hate. These are only emotions, one and the same. There is no black and no white. These are only shades.
What would you say the opposite of red is? Or blue? Or any color? There are no opposites. There are no distinctions. There is no 'one and then the other'.
There is no good and there is no evil. There are only consequences, ramifications and connections. Whether an act is 'good' or 'evil', there are always consequences. We may not always see them or be able to foresee what will happen, but something will. What we do affects other situations in some way or another. Every choice we make decides what the next choice will be and who or what will make the next decision. I have written often in my poetry that I refuse to make a choice. That, in itself, is a choice. I was aware of that at the time but never fully understood the concept.
I have always known that there was something that was causing me (directly or indirectly) to feel guilt over a choice I had made, whether the outcome was desirable or not. Whether it caused me pain or not. Whether it caused someone else pain or not. My conscience would guide me and, more often than not, lead me down that dark road of doubt.
I once had two baby squirrels that I had rescued (even now, I remember the chain  of events that had led up to 'my heroic deed') from a fallen tree. I was fully enamored with them and tried to raise them. I named them Ozzy and Harriet. Harriet died and I could tell that she died in immense pain. Whatever took her life was also stealing the life from her brother. I thought long and hard about what it would feel like to be on the verge of life knowing that it was being taken from you painfully. Just recently, I have heard the theory that painful death is meant to teach us (the witnesses) something and I tend to agree. What is it supposed to teach us? Does anyone know for sure? Does anyone have an original thought on the subject? No one can say for sure because, when all arguing is done, there are still opposing opinions. Only the elusive and fickle idea of faith can satisfy the natures of the ones who claim to have it. I don't. I doubt. I am the dissenting comment in every conversation. I am the 'Devil's Advocate' who sometimes speaks in the favor of 'God'. I chose to end the pain that Ozzy was feeling. I did this with the full knowledge that it would cause no small amount of pain to myself, but I did it anyway. I have always thought that he was grateful- that I did the 'right' thing. Who knows?
Every choice we make in this life is a learning experience. The consequences are also teaching tools. This branches to that and the other. One of those does any number of things, and the other may even negate the whole. There is no end to the possibilities. They are as various and numerous as the shells on the beach.
Humans are various and numerous. SHIT HAPPENS! There is no more appropriate statement in the spoken human language. Morality doesn't mean a damn thing. There is nothing you can do to change what happened during the Inquisitions and that was done in the name of 'God'. How can we bring all of the 'witches' back that we burned because we thought that they were evil? Imagine all of the knowledge and culture and variance that we lost with their deaths. Imagine the world leaders that may have been born from their wombs. Imagine, also, that these never-born leaders may have started an Inquisition of their own. All of the different possibilities that could have been are not.
We are here NOW. Stop crying and bitching and moaning. The only thing that really seems to matter is the fact that we could all too easily not be here. That is where all of this 'learning' will end. That would be the true crime.
But, then, maybe it is time for another species to have a shot at learning what we never have.


Where is the strength in ignorance? How does one benefit from pretending to know something? Is prestige so important that a person will risk total humiliation to ultimately prove that they do not know what they are talking about in the least?
Yes, there is a difference between bullshitting and feigning knowledge. I feel that the latter is harmful to others while the former is humorous when used in the proper light. Maybe these two distinctions are one and the same, the only difference being the distinction of when they are used. That doesn't sound right.
Intention, I believe, may be the key here. But doesn't almost everything boil down to that?


Patience is a virtue? I don't think so. Patience, to me, is a concession- a surrender to the inevitable. Whether you wait patiently or not, you still wait.


What is it that teaches us humans the lessons that we need to learn? Experience. Trial and error. Since no one else has succeeded in living the optimum life, it falls to the  individual to chart his own course. The only bad thing is that some lessons you must learn over and over.
You come upon a situation you have not encountered before. The problem is before you and you have some idea of what it would take to overcome this obstacle. Maybe you have more than one option. So, logically, you decide which option makes the most sense (or which one would achieve the desired results best) and follow through with your decision. If it works, you can assume the solution is common sense, to you at least, and trust that you will make a similar choice next time. You go on with your life.
What if you were wrong? You'll know when you have made a mistake because you will achieve undesirable results. Many times you won't even have the option of going back. But if trying again is an option then you have the chance to correct your mistake or, at least, try to make it right. Well and fine.
Now say that you have numerous options and you have gone through most of them. None have helped. This lesson is becoming tedious. You begin to grow tired of running into a wall at every turn. Why even keep trying? Maybe this is something you really want. Maybe it's also something you can never have. This is a possibility. So, this will be one of the hardest lessons for you to learn. It is something you will try for over and over again and time and again you will be denied.
Determination. Tenacity. Inventiveness. Imagination. Deduction. Ignorance, even. All of these will keep you searching until the wounds of impact turn into scars and calluses. Can any of us call this noble? Is it a desirable trait in humans? And what is the reward, if any? Is it worth it?
My own words, The Patient Man, brings all of this to mind. He searches, for a forgotten amount of time, for a love that will satisfy him. With all of these questions going through his mind, he sits on the beach and waits for it to come to him. The tide, even, shows him the inevitability of it all but still he waits, letting his life drift past. What other option does he have? To live an empty existence until he stumbles upon his treasure does not appeal to him. His life is not worth living without the love he so longs for.
The individual must decide what it is worth to himself. The man is patient but what reward is patience if nothing is gained but an empty life?


The existence of god, regretfully, is not a question in my mind. I cannot prove the existence of god but still I believe. It is an irrational belief but persistent nonetheless.
It is another question that preys on my peace of mind. Is god what we believe him to be? Does the common description fit the being? This problem, since I have no doubt of god's existence, is the one to which I turned my thought processes against when I began to question my faith. The following theories are what I came up with.
As god is meant to embody ultimate good (and this is something I have heard no contradictions to) I would think of him as being benevolent, unbiased, kind, loving, and any other adjective synonymous with those. He would disdain theft (which is basically the 'prime sin' that all other sins can be broken down to) and love all of humankind the same without reservation. But this image of him, at least, I can prove false.
St. Thomas Aquinas wrote in the Summa Theologica, Third Article, first objection that if god represented ultimate good then there should be no evil in the universe. This objection he disproved by saying that god, in his ultimate wisdom, manifests good even out of evil.
To me it would seem that god's character of ultimate good would be tainted by even the slightest presence of evil. It would not be that level of perfection that is my, and most other's, idea of ultimate good. If you have a cup of water dyed pure blue with food coloring, then it is pure blue. Then you drop one drop of red coloring into this cup and the color has changed. The water is now slightly purple. Granted, it is still a color but it has ceased being blue. Our god would not be ultimate good if he were tainted with evil even though he would still be a god.
The very first verse in the bible (King James Version) is "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." This has been explained by theologians as meaning that there was nothing else before god created. So this would mean that there was nothing but god in the beginning. The Alpha and Omega- the first and the last. So if god is the first and last (cause and effect together?) then why does evil exist? If he created the universe as we know it, where did evil come from? God is ultimate good and there was nothing before god created the universe. Evil was non-existent but now it flourishes prolifically.
I have come up with three different possibilities for the existence of evil in a universe created by, supposedly, an entity of ultimate good.
First, there is the possibility that god created evil. To do this, the concept of evil would have had to exist in the mind of god. He would have had to know of it, at least, if not know it intimately. This would give ultimate goodness another name. Our image of god becomes imperfect. Perhaps at one time this was written down. Maybe it is a part of the bible lost through translation. Maybe it was a deliberate deletion of some of the text. Could god, in his ultimate wisdom, have created evil as a balance?
Secondly is the possibility that, if god did not create evil, it could have existed from the first as a balance to ultimate good. This would mean that god has a 'twin' power that resists or pushes with an equal amount of force in the opposite direction. A balance is maintained creating an ordered chaos. Moderated control.
Satan could be this evil twin and if this is so, then the bible has another hole in it. The bible says that satan was created by god (in the form of Lucifer, the most beautiful of all of the angels) and that satan will be defeated by god in the end. But if they are truly equal (the only way balance can be maintained) then it would seem that mastery over the universe is up for grabs. For what it's worth, I don't believe there is a being fitting the description of satan.
The third possibility left to us, if god did not create evil and if evil did not exist equally with good from the beginning, is that god himself manifests good and evil equally within. In effect, god would be dualistic and maintain the balance himself. Omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence would be his 'wisdom' so to speak. Ultimate good and ultimate evil working together to oppose one another and give an order to chaos.
Another possibility that branches from each of these is that there is no difference between the ultimates of good and evil. I can't call it a unitarian thought or idea because the word has been taken. Let's say it is unipolarity. After all, what is the difference between the positive and negative poles but the labels that society has pinned on them? Granted, they are distinct enough so that they deserve a designation to set them apart, but are the names really the issue?
What are the differences between good and evil? Say that evil did not exist. What would we have to compare good to? It works either way. If good never existed we would never miss it. We would live in a universe of evil but it would not be considered ‘bad’ because we would have known no different. And there are acts that have been committed in the name of good that could stand toe to toe with the most evil offense. The passover in Egypt, the inquisition, the holocaust (Hitler believed himself to be advancing a good and moral idea) and so many others. This world has seen as much destruction from good as it has from evil. They can not be separated.
God gave us free will to decide between good and evil. But, despite what the bible says, I don't think he meant for us to pick a side like choosing hockey teams. It would seem too easy. Why not give us the choice indefinitely? Whenever a situation occurs, decide what to do and call it best. There is a place for good and evil in this world and situations to which both can be applied- should be applied. It's not riding the fence, it's removing the fence. Now we have an obligation to increase our own wisdom and use it for the betterment of all.
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As I have finished writing this previous 'random thought'  (this is several days later) I wonder, really, if any of it is worthwhile. What does it mean to me? I cannot say, truthfully, that I believe god exists because if it were proven otherwise, it would not surprise me much. Does this sound contradictory? It does, even to myself. But, all bullshit aside, is this really earth-shaking information? If we find that god does exist and everyone who does not cling stubbornly to their beliefs admits to his existence, would anything in society or the world change? I think that very few people would mend their ways and begin a new life. If god does exist, then he has left us to our own devices for too long to ever reconcile the differences that it would exact in everyone's lives if he were to show himself. I dread to think that he would bring about a world of fanatics and heathens if push came to shove.
Why can we not find our own wisdom? What is keeping us from finding that gray area where even a greater majority can be happy, if not content? But maybe it is not the destination that we should strive for; maybe it is the journey to these, as of yet, unattainable goals.


I believe I know what it would take for the human race to advance another level in the universal scheme of things. Actually, I think it would cause a leap of a sort that history has never experienced. Humanity needs a predator (other than itself) to create a common cause to fight.
Suppose that it were another human being (or a group) that became the predator. The thought patterns and basic mental structure of the psyche would have to be so radically different that people would not even consider our hypothetical predator(s) to be human.


What makes a person seek peace? What is it that forces them to attempt to find something that may be as easy to see as their own face in a mirror or as difficult to find as their own face in an abstract painting of thousands? Peace- true inner peace- is elusive. It is not something to search for on a whim. It is something to devote an entire portion of your life to finding, because once you find it (and this means that you understand the concept of it) you will always find it wherever you look. Peace is within the grasp of everyone but there are few with the patience and perseverance to realize it.
I believe that I am one of the few people to have found peace and then given it up. As strange as it may seem, this does not surprise me. Peace is not what I search for. Peace is real; peace is tangible; but peace is not for some people. There are those who seek to find a stable point in their lives and, then, there are those who know that their lives will never be stable. I believe, at the moment, that I have realized which of the two I am.


Have I searched my entire life for wisdom? Have I found it? I think, in some ways, I have and in others, I have yet to learn.
I have realized things in this most recent decade of my chaotic life that, before, I would never have believed to exist. My travels have taken me far and they have taken me inward (this last, maybe the farthest yet) in a steady search, for what I don't know. I only know that I must continue to search without pause. Just when it seems I have reached my goal, I am pushed upon the path once again. My journey has not ended yet though there have been way-stations throughout it. Still, I have not reached the pinnacle of my efforts- I have only drawn closer. But distance is as relative as time and I have no vision of an end. An old soul is worn and tired and despairing of the future. Only the thought of the prior effort wasted keeps this entity from throwing in the cosmic towel. I will continue even though I may never realize a reward for my pain.


We humans are gods in a manner of speaking. We rule this planet and the flora and fauna are our subjects. We are superior to every other life-form around us. They do not worship us in a way that we can recognize but perhaps they do revere us in their own ways. Extreme love and extreme hatred- would these not be considered worship in its purest form?
It may be an empty title, this godhood, but we cannot rule over our equals. This would not make us deities but instead it would make us overlords and our subjects would be slaves. We would have lost our godliness through the greed of power.