My mind is screaming in anger.
My heart is begging for someone to hold.
My hands are screaming as my fingers start to bleed.
My eyes are screaming wanting the tears to fall but I can't be weak.
My legs are screaming I've been running for hours.
My mouth stays quite while the rest of my body is talking.
I want to say out loud please don't let him catch me.
My stomach is screaming I haven't eatin in two days.
I'm lonely and I just want someone to tell me its okay.
My mind is screaming I'm in danger.
I finally lose control and my mouth starts to scream for help.
It's my third day on the run from the pain that I knew at home.
My heart is no longer begging for someone to hold for I have found someone to hold.
I'm no longer lonely and he's told me everything is fine.
I'm no longer screaming.
My whole body is saying thank you.
He tells me I don't have to go home.
My friend will protect me I am safe.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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It's very sad emotionally.
Good write
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Very good work.
I'm sorry that you ever had to feel that way, but I can truly relate to it. Sometimes everything really does scream, except for our mouths. I myself have even opened my mouth to scream, and had no sound come out. It's great to have someone that you can count on. Keep writing, you do a wonderful job. You too can be a voice for others, that can't speak for themselves. Connie
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i like the way its called screaming, but every part of the body is screaming except the one that usually does (mouth). and when the mouth finally does start to scream, it's like a return to how things should be, with your body and with your situation. good parallels. and good job.
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awww touching poem!
beautifully written!
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Excellent write
Friends are our guardean angels our other selves that fits so as a puzzel in this world that makes us whole . -
So sad
It is sad when young people run screaming from home I do hope you are safe with someone you have known for a long time for strangers at times promis the world yet the world is not a safe place to be with a stranger .Do be careful
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This is a very emotional write, It's a terrible thing when home becomes something you have to run and hide from. I am glad to see that ur happy at the end..Great write.
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I like the idea and the meaning behind it, but the wording is kind of akward. Maybe you should try revising it a bit and maybe using a thesaurus. Underneath some of the clutter is a very beutiful poem. Best of luck!
~Fear
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"My mouth stays quite while the rest of my body is talking."
QUIET: silent. ("Tim was quiet during the funeral.")
QUITE: very. ("The view from the tower was quite lovely.")
I think you mean "quiet" here.
I like what you have to say in this poem, but, like others have said, the stylistic aspects suffer in the poem. You seem to be addicted to the passive voice -- that is, you overuse helping verbs and the "is/are [verb]ing" construction. This weakens your sentences; you can say the same exact thing in the active voice, as in, "my mind screams."
You tend to repeat a lot of verbs. My suggestion is to use variation, along with words that are strong and not as cliched as "scream," "beg," and so forth.
It's not bad. Ir just needs some work.
--Cristina
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Beautiful. I liked the fast-paced tempo of this poem. Excellent Job
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Great write form start to finsh
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Great!
I LOVE IT SIS! Its very good! -
I have to agree with cafe on this.
suggestions:
"My mind screams in anger
My heart begs to hold (love?)
My hands and fingers bleed
My eyes tearing,
NO - I must be strong
My legs running for hours"
"My heart is no longer begging for someone; he's found me"
yada, yada, yada....anyway, its all a matter of taste and opinion, good luck and keep writing. -
Excellent in content; now work on style
You got what is going on inside. Now craft it for style. Hint: decide what rhythm you want, and choose words and phrases which will adjust the rhythm. No need to rhyme, but a little rhythm wouldn't hurt. Or if you decide you want totally free verse, at least think of alliteration and assonance. For example, might you try "keep" instead of "protect?" Or what else could you use?
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This is really good. I love how fast paced it is....seems to match the chaos of the situation....add to the intensity. I am glad that this had a happier ending.
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I like the idea behind this poem. The only think I really caught was quite in line 6 i think you meant quiet.. I looove the line "My heart is begging for someone to hold".. I know the feeling. The beginning is a bit repeative with the word "screaming" and almost all of the lines seem to start with My or I. Thanks for commenting on my poem Crash.
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Very good! I wish that someone would have found me, when I was lonely.
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I picked this poem because you said you are focused on it.I want to say my initial feeling is way too many ing ending words like screaming.Which you seem to mention an awful lot.
I understand your intent of frustration in this poem.I wonder if you slowly went through each line and edit out or change a few things it would read so much better.
Thank you for commenting on my work.I do appreciate it.
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Hhhmmm
I see what you are trying to say here, I think. I read some of the other comments and I see their point about the repetition, but I'm thinking that this was intentional on your part. It's very fast, very chaotic, and very "distant" for an emotional piece. I don't know if that's the angle you were going for, but I like it written this way. It's like a freight train going full speed off the tracks and then slamming into a full stop, and it works that way - makes your words even more powerful. Also, you just hint at the story behind the words here, which evokes even more curiosity from the reader. Well done. Lots of potential here.
Blessed Be,
FaeRae
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So much emotion, ..this is a Very effective write..
I was moved...~Pastel
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In my opinion, I think "screaming" is over used. It's taking away from the massive amounts of emotion I see, but I can't feel it.
It does set up "my mouth stays quiet" (quiet is misspelled in the piece) though. Maybe reword the other ones, or rearrange the lines?
Repetition can be incredible when it strikes deep into the readers mind more each time, but it just doesn't seem to be working here yet. I see great potential for this work.
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