I was bending my elbows at the window at 1:41 PM
And, I saw glittery sketches & carvings
It was the results of the sun melting the snow off
Sometimes, that represents memories of
An amazing grasshopper I had, named Galaxy
Her life and my guessing what she looked like now
Were similar to the cars on the highway,
They come and then they're gone
My dad quickly told me that more will be
c
o
m
i
n
g
into my eyes from the ground soon.
But, she was a bug that I'll never forget
because of her forever eating breaks.
I have shredded my tears as
Each insect is unique in their own size of head!
Author notes
I have revised this before entering, and I don't mind if you want me to do more. Thanks, I'm ten years old.
A contest entry
- Hungry for a real critique? by Danna Hobart.
700 points, ended April 11, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Memories of Animals - How they Live and Die by Judith Chandler.
525 points, ended January 13, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Great emotion?
Comments
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I like your comparison between Galaxy and the cars, the way they are coming and going. Sounds like you were pretty attached to Galaxy. I like what you did with the word "coming."
Keep on writing and thank you for entering this poem in my contest. -
I have a ten year old son, and he writes poetry too. His name is Graham Hobart. He has some of his poetry posted here too.
I loved this poem. The grasshopper is so metaphoric. I can't think of any changes I would make to it. -
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You put me in the finalists, that's so cute!
I am so shocked that you could be this kind as a tough critique giver (not that I mind those, lol), but I truly am astonished that I got in the preliminaries out of what seemed like tons of entries.
Thank you for inviting me into part of your family's writing, I have picked a poem that I would like to comment on soon by him, thanks to him being a great poet! And, now, he doesn't just look so focused and humorous in your picture given.
I tried to bring out the symbols nicely throughout my poem... and, I even realize that I kept driving one thought into another etcetera, which I'm glad you had enjoyed.
As a ten year old, having no assignments of changes to make feels very impressive, Danna.
I'll try to continue entering your contests as long as they inspire!
Daisy
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good luck in the contest with this fascinatingly diferent write.
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