The cold dawn cracks a smile,
mocking the lack of sleep,
The days march on in single file.
wake up thinking all the while,
losing dreams tangible enough to keep,
and the days march on in single file.
Dreams seeming corpses seem to pile,
but the subconscious does not weep.
The cold dawn cracks a smile.
A gray light déchirure mile.
and from that that gash the days will seep,
and they march on in single file.
Feet die a million ways on the cold tile,
they have long repressed their urge to leap,
as the cold dawn cracks a smile.
Yet the old emotions rise like bile,
with the apathetic alarm clock’s beep,
the cold dawn cracks a smile,
and the days march on in single file.
Author notes
déchirure-gash or slit in French
A contest entry
- Incorporate or use given line by Legend.
1000 points, ended March 15, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Wonderful
This was very skillfully done. Truly so effective in its form and a pleasure to read.
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I have enjoyed this I love the repetition because you have made them flow naturally which is very difficult. a very beautiful piece well done.
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Indeed - you've managed one of the more challenging forms with an apparent meritorious ease here.
A good entry and good luck!
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Villanelle
Not an easy form to do but you seem to have pulled it off with this entry. My best to you for the effort in this contest.
Jim
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Certainly not one of the easiest forms of poetry to write and come off not just sounding like your repeating yourself but you seemed to have mastered it quite effortlessly Best of luck in the contest
Ruth
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Wow.
Just, wow.
Good luck.
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GAH! WHAT IS THIS FORM?!
... Sorry for the outburst--I just KNOW I studied this form before---what is it?! Anyway, I like the poem. It was a good use of the form. At times it seemed a little---hesitant, but usually it flowed pretty well. Good job, and good luck! -
Don't you just hate getting out of bed when you've had a really pleasing dream. Very good write , good luck in the contest.
Cheryl -
This piece has a nice flow to it The repetition of the given line adds to the rhyme pattern Which i like very much.That you when for a rhyming end word on most line can sometimes create a feeling of being forced Though you seemed to have managed it well Good luck in the contest
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