Where did the rain go?
Because quite honestly i miss it
Each drop glinting in the moon light as it drenches the devouring ground
For all the miles not yet walked
And of all those to bare the sea
Pressure leads to great corruption
Pressure leads to the...
Freedom from chemically induced sanity, or sanity strait as that.
So where did the rain go?
I miss the cool beads tangling in my hair and pouring over my skin
I'll breathe in that misty air that was once there, but has vanished
Defeated and distorted
For a new name is yet to be given to the memories
That could once be washed away
They now haunt, attached to every wall
Attempts to dislodge them fail, but expectations are set no higher than dreams of fire and ice
Static television and broken beer bottles decorate the empty home
Once the rain hid the sound
Though threw hallow eyes, Affliction is something the rain can't disguise
Truth is hidden in the rain
All fade as the sky breaks
The song it sings, brings silence and still
The things that fill this frail empty world
With fresh thoughts, of new life and forgiveness
There is nothing poetic about humanity
Just pure and simple
Vulgarity
With a little
Sensuality
Author notes
option 8
A contest entry
- Whatever happened to the Wispa bar???? by lucy sky-diamond.
600 points, ended May 2, 2007, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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There are things I like and things I don't like. There is one part I really dislike, and that's:
Truth is hidden in the rain
Guilt
Regret
Murder
Fear
Loss
Sadness
Empathy
Madness
Sympathy
Loneliness
If you want to show all this is in rain, show it, but do not give an enumeration like that. It kills the poem, especially when you have such great descriptions before the list.
I would end this poem after "of new life and forgiveness". Everything that comes after seems unnecessary.
The part before it should be structured better, and you need to pay special attention to your use of verbs, for example:
So where did the rain go?
I miss the cool beads tangling in my hair and pouring over my skin
I'll breathe in that misty air that was once there, but has vanished
Where does the 'will' come from? You are not talking about future rain in this stanza, you say you miss past rain. 'I miss breathing...' would work better. There are several places where your use of verbs confuse.
A few small things: 'I' isn't capitalized in line 2 and moonlight should be one word in line 3.
Thank you for entering. -
Thank you for entering my contest!
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this is...amazing! such wonderful descriptions, you have portrayed rain so wonderfully, with such emotion behind the piece. thank you very much for entering, and best of luck
lucy
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wow u must really like the rain....i kinda get the whole idea....makes me wanna go sit in the rain
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Yes i really do love the rain haha, not as much as i love you though
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I really like the idea behind this poem but I feel that it would be better if it was structured better. The way it is structured now seems sloppy, but your inspiring words shine through. Best of luck in my contest, and thank you so much for entering.
Chelsea
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