Red bleeds
onto deep green
tulips in bloom
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Red bleeds
onto deep green
tulips in bloom
I'm not sure about the word 'bleed'. I don't see how the colour red can bleed without there being something more of an image to show the reader what is going on really for red to bleed. For example, is someone's finger cut or has a child dropped red paint somewhere, or, has a red dress on washing bled, etc...the imagery in L1 as of now is not complete. Another suggestion that I have for you is not to use capitals in haiku because they are not used when writing haiku. It would be good if you can show the reader how red bleeds on to deep green. Also, you need a break at the end of L2. One more thing I noticed is regarding title. Haiku do not have titles. L1 works as the title line as well.
All the best in the contest,
Charishma
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I see the perceptions are somewhat different. (Bit early yet for the deep red ones in my garden)IF you talk about bleeding I would compare that to falling leaves or blooms
and exactly what is not meant I think. Dark writes are in the perception of haikuwriters (Hajin) not done Think about the Zen moment. (senryu sometimes but still with some other context)I should refrase the whole thing. (And that's completely against my natural feeling) Beside me lies a a booklet with 20 to 30 years old poetry (own) and now and than I pick it up and see what still would be readable or what should be refrased. So some stay down there for they are both not done.
Hope this helps too
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Red bleeds
onto deep green
tulips in bloom
There is an obscure image here but a possibility - implications of some dastardly deed which is really just spring blooming.
To give the reader a twist it maybe needs images in lines 1 & 2. A red what and a green what?
Alan -
Welcome to our haiku contest/workshop!
This is a very nice haiku of spring:
Red bleeds
onto deep green
tulips in bloom
A unique use of words, to present a clear set of images. Your L3 is very good.
Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest!
Susie -
Thank you for entering our contest/workshop.
Red bleeds
onto deep green
tulips in bloom
I think that you have written a very nice haiku with this one. And the "aha" moment is definitely there. I talso paints a very vivid pcture withour getting to poetry-like. Is that even a word? -
never really jumpy with this twist by spacing
Poet (full of hints),
"Red" is a stark attachment to connotation
in description, which is not necessarily going to one meaning, like blood for instance from the first way things are mentioned but not defined yet.
Hence, the second line starts showing a scene maybe of accident but it not's speficly placed but it clues to cool grass or leaves, but as my daughter said possibly a shirt at that point. And then the ending derives it's elegant answer with the over here turn of the head for "tulips in bloom" which sheds some new light on what was and could be clumping! The resonance is even how it's opposite ache to see this spring!
Nice one to finish up on comments with,
Carolyn
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