Leaving home was easier
than getting home to leave her.
The memories hung around like a thick fog
permeating her eyes and hair and skin.
Too naive to understand, too soiled
to forget, remembering haunted green eyes
and hands-- both hot and cold
that pressed in hard at the corners of her mind.
In the night she longed
to reach the lonely gleam of the streetlight.
Author notes
I used the line "Too young to know much, she was begining to learn by John Updike and "I was hoping to be happy by seventeen" by Gary Soto as spring boards along with my lines "leaving hom was esier than home leaving her and reaching for the yellow light of the streetcorner as spingboards for a poem assignement at school.
For a GRADE for school. PLEASE make suggestions not just comments.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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It must be hard to write at school and at the same time put yourself into it. Good job you've done here. how did you happen to choose John Updike?
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Thank you
Thank you for your comment. I chose John Updike as we were assigned to go through the book Poetry 180 and chose some lines we really liked and use them for a springboard and one of his just jumped out at me.
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I liked this. It really had a haunting feel to it. I was left wanting more and thinking perhaps maybe you could expand upon this. I could really seeing it going further. Thank you for sharing. this is an excellent piece of work.
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Very nice - I liked the last few lines especially. You clearly have a talent for rhythm. Good job!
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that pressed in hard at the corners of her mind
and in the night she longed
to reach the lonely gleam of the streetlight...
so you are describing the scene of life through the window of your heart and touching the muse of the readers as well..The intensity level of this verse is very appropriate in terms of its requirtement to
depict the truth of the life when you are losing your love and this have come out very nicely...Indeed a piece of the heart....
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Thank you
Thank you for your sweet comment.
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haunted green eyes
Great imagery.
Lovely poem.
A MURDEROUS FREAKING LAMENT! <\33 -
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Thank you
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A very intesting write. You have nice vocabulary, imagery, and a very poetic way of saying things.
Punctuation-wise, a comma can be used after "eyes" and "hair."
Line six uses the word "forget" twice and that can be repetitive. If you could think of a better word, that would help the flow a bit.
Period after "mind." Take out the "and" in the next line and capitalize the "in."
But those are only suggestions of course. -
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Thank you.
Thank you so much for commenting on my work and giving me concrete suggestions. Glenda
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