A rainbow of nail polishes
some tipped over.
An open tin of thumbtacks.
A printer cartridge,
lazily tanning under the overhead lamp.
A lost pair of headphones,
(wait a minute, make that 2),
some keys, an ipod, miscellaneous paper,
A water bottle—hold the water.
A nametag
never to be used a gain, crumbs
from various meals.
A schedule tacked behind
a computer screen sneezing from dust.
Behind the screen a pencil
you can barely see.
A tower of books
atop a notebook
along with an empty tic tac container.
Following, the forgotten CDs.
A coupon on the board, already expired
waiting for the end-of-the-year cleaning,
a NASA button pinned next to it.
A contest entry
- Nothing is ever really random, is it??? by bw43.
300 points, ended March 12, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I need an AP Family!!! (More guys plz) by Jeneralix.
550 points, ended March 14, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think. Looking for constructive criticism to improve my poetry.
Comments
-
Well, this is just describing a desk. There really is no point to this poem. It would be something in a story, but you did describe it very well. This is great and I like it. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!
<3 Jenerali
P.S. Message me on what you want to be in my familiy! -
Looking for constructive critism... hmmm... now I have to go back and see what I can give you... I was just going to comment on the topic... but, since you request such criticism, i feel obliged to comply..
the only thing that i could point out that might make this a tad better is if you remove some of the "a's" because almost every line was started with "a" or "an"... unless it's meant to be a list poem, in which case leave it as it is... but to be more attractive to the reader, cut out some of the a's.
this was an excellet entry. It made me chuckle because it sounds ALOT like the desk I am at... haha.... minus the crumbs... there's no space to eat here... but just yesterday there were like three empty bottles of water... and i dont have tic tacs... but icre breakers mints instead.
i liked this piece. thanks for your entry and good luck in the contest.
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