Trekkie Anorak

I know every single episode of Star Trek
The ones with Captain Kirk and Mr Spock
Sometimes I can sit for three days contemplating
How Kirks clothes look so out of date
And the difference between William Shatners looks
Then and now
And sometimes I compare Mr Spock off Star Trek
To Mr Tuvok off Voyager
Occasionally commenting
To the utterly bored stiff members of my household
That indeed Vulcans should be dark skinned
As they live on Vulcan which is the closest planet to the sun
And would therefore be damn hot
And a damn sight hotter than Africa at that
So you would expect them to be darker skinned people
And Mr Spock must actually be a mutant
But that’s right because he is part human actually
So he might not be a really good Vulcan either
Seeing as he is a bit emotional

When we are watching the TV and we turn it over to Star Trek
Its usually the episode about the Tribbles
Or the episode where Captain Kirk and Mr Spock
Are having this big fight over some woman
That Spock was supposed to be married to
But she actually fancied someone else
And Dr McCoy gives Captain Kirk
A spray that knocks him out
So we all think he’s dead
And Mr Spock is greif stricken till he gets back
On the ship
And Captain Kirk comes out of sick bay
Looking really healthy and alive
And you actually get a rise out of Mr Spock
The one about the Tribbles is actually quite funny
Because everyone likes these little balls of fur
Except Klingons
Who hate them and the Tribbles hate Klingons

When we are watching Star Trek
I occasionally comment on the language used
Such as Hiesenberg compensators
Actually those were some kind of giant shock absorber
Seeing as there would be a huge explosion
If matter and anti matter actually collided
The Enterprise would explode into a million bits
And there might not be any debris
And sometimes that borg woman off Voyager
You know.. Seven of Nine
She says things in a very technical way
So instead of saying “I’m tired I need to sleep”
She’ll say
“My body is fatigued and I may require regeneration”
And if she was in love with someone
She’d say
“My neural emotion node is malfunctioning”

Sometimes I think that Captain Janeway
Would be a female version of Captain Kirk
And Seven of Nine would be like her Mr Spock
Cos If you notice Mr Spock was very unemotional
So is Seven of Nine actually because she was a Borg
Now she’s been made a bit more human
As Mr Spock was a bit human as well
So here’s where we make the comparison
The only real difference between Janeway and Kirk
Is that she is a female and Kirk isn’t
And I think Janeway is in love with her first officer
Mind you Kirk probably was as well
But we don’t like to talk about the possibility that Kirk
Might have been omnisexual
Because he fell in love with lots of women
Not just his ship and his first officer and
The tribbles