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key card - fear of losing safety







there was a mini-bar
and a two burner stove
heated by the room below
it was the flat top type
                      [something i've never boasted]

i never trusted a thing
with fake fire

but my safety isn't measured in fahrenheit

negative degrees of "i hate you's"
have defined me

now i'll rub my hands,
and put on a coat
                  [instead of you]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

assign one - fizzy pop
surrender your hotel room

entry before: http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/2722480
entry after: http://allpoetry.com/poem/2718976

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • deadcolor dreams
    March 20, 2007

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    The text here is hard on my eyes.
    You know- I did the same exact prompt for fizzypop. surrender your hotel room. ha ha

    i like it, though.

  • Cup-a-Joe silver member
    March 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    ~**~

    Im enjoying the you emerging from the words. [put your heart in it].
    Joe
  • marrow
    March 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    shirley,
    you have a very creative mind so i am greatly looking forwrd to seeing what you produce this season. at face value this is a very nice poem, and i love the imagery in which you use. i even will go as far to say that the extra features used in this piece-- the color scheme, font, italics-- all are working for you.

    i find that this works well into the series, but at first i didn't understand some of the unifying concepts within. however, i pondered a bit as i mulled through a comment and i have found that this truly is inspiring. i now see your intentions much more clearly, and see that it wasn't a solid or certain sort of safety, but moreso a general idea of it. i found this to be the case by the fire, the hotel setting and the broken love that was hinted at in the final stanza. upon that thought, i am very well pleased.

    what i enjoy about this as well is having read through or skimmed the other entries already, i can see that yours blends in perfectly with the fire message and broken love that is written of by matt and melissa. i feel a very strong series continuing on here.

    best of luck to you, shirley. a critique will be left on the group assignment as a whole after i have finished reading all of the entries.

    j

    • SurelyWritten
      March 11, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      j-

      thank you for the honest and thorough critique, i was quite nervous about using this draft piece, because it is almost impossible to understand for those who don't enough about me.. but i realized the wording could in fact be generic in the way it hints at a broken love (which is not my actual reasoning behind this piece) so in the end it all worked out..

      i'm glad you liked this, i can't wait to see your final thoughts on our group's efforts.

      -S
      • marrow
        March 11, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        you are very welcome. i will always try and offer up some in- deoth review in this contest.

        i am currently onto your series' sixth piece, and thus far it is brilliant.

  • James R
    March 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was an awesome write my darlin.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    March 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    .


  • Blazing White Wolf
    March 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    ouch! nice metaphoric write surely some nice images in this... no one can give security I think for the most part that resides within if scure there the rest is managable well done

    love and light,
    Blaze

1 - 11 of 11