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The Kingdom Of Hell

Her tear drop's fall,
Down her broken face,
Her fate grows tall,
Such a angry face,
The flames grow higher,
Like water in a sinking ship.

She wishes for another chance,
While she screams aloud in pain,
As the fire burns her body,
As her life goes up in flame's,
"What happened? why am i here?",
Are the two main question's asked,
What ever happen to that girl,
The fire swoop's up fast.

The nothing girl has paid her time,
In the steaming flames of hell,
She is gone another forgotten soul,
And a story never to tell.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • grass
    April 23, 2007

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    Um. I didn't like it. The rhyme was annoying and your use of language wasn't vivid at all. This was just a stereotypical dark poem. Definatly not my cup of tea.


  • lie
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Grammatically, two things were off. Line three in the first stanza there should be "an angry face" instead of "a angry..." and the last line in the second stanza. There's an apostrophe in "swoop's" which doesn't make sense. The punctuation is off; not every line should have an ending comma.
    The emotion was strong, and the rhyme scheme wasn't the worst I've seen. I really like the paradox of combining heated imagery that concerns fire, and then describe it using a water element; that aspect of the poem is very creative.
    The stanzas and line breaks, I feel were dead on; they broke the piece up perfectly without making the poem jarred in any way.
    Overall, this is a good poem. Thank you for your entry. Once Liberation of Sense gets around to viewing the entries, we'll see what she has to say.


  • KnightOfTheRose gold member
    April 18, 2007
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    That was really good! I Loved it! reading it was soooooooooo much fun! this poem was sooo emotional and the background went really well with the piece! I can see why this won a gold trophy! keep up the excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!


    -Steve-


  • golden falcon
    April 13, 2007
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    that was ace i loved it sad and yet something about it made me happy maybe im just really sadistic


  • LaLaLie
    April 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Good luck and thanks for entering.


  • ckwriter69
    April 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting write to those who enter here will feel the flames tortuous pain forever. Good descriptions and revealing the pain this girl has found. one typo in line 5 change flams to flames. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.

1 - 6 of 6