Victim of the hiding
lost within myself,
(will I fade away?)
Idiot lovers are we,
To think that hiding it was the best answer,
How were we both so wrong?
It tears at both of us like a lion kills it's prey,
And we can't stop it.
What would happen if we told them?
Would they understand?
And would the feeling inside fade?
The feeling that I have done so much wrong,
That it twists our bodies into things of a dream.
Love of mine..
Do you feel as I do?
The love I hold inside,
The storm that rages within me,
That only your kiss can calm.
You tell me that you aren't that strong,
But I tell you that you don't have to be,
Because we together are strong enough,
And even though we both may falter at time,
There is one stronger than us both,
And I know that He will catch us when we fall.
For I am yours and yours alone,
Does that mean I'm destined to die by your side?
Or will we make it better than the rest and make it through the storms,
And not become another lovestruck tragedy?
Victims of the hiding...
Hiding no longer inside....
Author notes
I have looked at this over and over and now I see that it is better this way....
I hope you enjoy it...
A contest entry
- Give me your best #2 by love my jose luis.
600 points, ended April 28, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - No Title: Just Come Have a Look by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended July 5, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me feel. . . anything. by Cavca.
500 points, ended May 21, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest to Promote my Commenting ANYTHING GOES!! by Timeless Wisdom.
800 points, ended August 6, 2007, 261 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Hiding in the shadows...
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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First off, I think that your last two lines there, are the most powerful ones. Don't ask me why, they just stand out to me more. Also, there's one line in here that seems way too long, like you need to break it somewhere, it seems to throw the poem off. "Or will we make it better than the rest and make it through the storms," Is a lot longer than any of your other lines. Other than that, this as pretty good. Again, can't wait to hear this to actual music.
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*smiles* this is cool. I like it.. and i see that you changed it apparently but Romeo and Juliet have an influnence on us so why shouldnt we be able to draw from it. I really like how you say.. we arent strong enough nessisarly.. and even tied together, we are so much stronger.. but truly, God is our Stregnth. That makes me smile. Great write, thanks.
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Hmmm... I hate to say it but Romeo and Juliet are a bit of a cliche, are there no other lovers from history that reflect your point better?
You could also do with a bit more punctuation in this, you use freeevrse well, but without more punctuation the poem lacks rhythm and driving force to bring the reader to the end.
A few lovely lines in here, 'Idiot lovers we are' and 'twists our bodies into things of a dream'.... a bit more punctuation and technically this would be up to scratch, something more original and R and J and I'll be extremely impressed.
Thank you for entering. -
Interesting use of Shakespeare to suit your needs. It's sweet if seen on the surface of Romeo and Juliet, and idiotic if looked at in depth. It fits your poem either way. Good luck with your Juliet. I just hope that your love isn't as fleeting or tragic as theirs.
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That is a perfect way to put a Romeo and Juliet story into a shorter poem. I think that you did a great job writing this and I think that you should keep up your great writing.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
~Alix -
"It tears at both of us like a lion kills it's prey"
I think that should be "killing" not "kills"...
A minor mistake though
Gorgeous and poetic piece nonetheless....
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wow! i really like how it flows!
For I am your Romeo
Does that mean I'm destined to die by your side?
Or will we make it better than the rest and make it through the storms
And not become another lovestruck tragady
very good writing!
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Every woman wants to be Juliet..
For I am your Romeo
Does that mean I'm destined to die by your side?
Or will we make it better than the rest and make it through the storms
And not become another lovestruck tragady
Wonderful write..
thank you for sharing
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I used to dream of the day that I would be someone's Romeo and I have found that day. She has lit a fire within me that burns with an unnatural fury and with that fire I feel as if I could conquer the world. I just hope her parents can see what she sees in me....
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very beautiful poem. You show a lot of feeling. You might wanna double check ur spelling in it {tragedy is spelt with an e not an a}. Just minor mistakes like that, but well written. I hope you and her figure things out.
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I will most certainly check that. Thank you Jake....
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wow! this is the firstg on i have read this morning and it certainly woke me up. wow! thank you for sharing this with me. viyanna rosemarie
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No problem dear freind. I hope that your days are amazing...
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so i see lee has a girlfriend hmmmm.........oh well
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Hmm...That wasn't too hard to figure out. And I thought you were mad at me.....
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Wow...
A lot of the poems I am reading this morning here.. are reminding me of my most recent girlfriend, who dumped me because she couldn't stand the long distance... sigh...... I want my Juliet... I may have a clue as to who she is... but I don't know, this write was phenomenal.. your spacing and word choices were amazing.... great job!!!
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You will find your Juliet someday and I hope that she lights a fire within you that will never die out.
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