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Within # 2 (rictameter)

Missing image
within
the child cowers,
a fetal pose assumed
overwhelmed by senseless killing,
religious zealots, the curse of nations
hopeful  resolutions  futile,
peace, a concept of fools
thus I retreat
within







This is a rewrite of my poem Within (http://allpoetry.com/poem/2555288)

see author notes

Author notes

Poetry Form Notes: Rictameter

Rictameter is a scheme similar to Cinquain. Starting your first line with a two syllable word,

you then consecutively increase the number of syllables per line by two. i.e. 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 Then

down again, 8, 6, 4, 2 Making the final line the same two syllable word you began with.


NOTE:
This is a second take on this picture, the first version need something and I hope I addressed that need in this revised version. What do you think? The original can be found at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/2555288

Photo credit:Mickey Madness, deviant art.com

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Aussie Gypsy gold member
    August 21, 2007

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    I love this piece and yes it seems futile, I see a little of me in this piece, just the retreating within... well done

    Thank you for taking the time to enter this contest, I wish you the best of luck

    Karen


  • Frogzter gold member
    March 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    A delightful piece and well worth the read! Thanks for sharing and best wishes,
    Frogz~


  • azure85 gold member
    March 9, 2007

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    I like the second version so much better-it has taken it from the viewpoint of the one, to the concept of the world.  The message of retreat within, with the conflicts surrounding mankind, is so timely. And one which we all must deal with, and your poem as explained this well. Very good rictameter form.

    May I be so bold, and anyting I say can be totally ignored-if a few added punctuation marks:

    within
    the child cowers,
    a fetal pose assumed
    overwhelmed by senseless killing,
    religious zealots, the curse of nations
    hopeful resolutions, futile
    peace, a concept of fools
    thus I retreat
    within

     

    Thank you for your indulgence my dear, I enjoyed this rictameter very much.

     

    Susie


    • Haiku-bless-you gold member
      March 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Susie,
      I agree with you, well placed puntuation gives it more impact and makes the reading easier. Thanks for the excellent suggestion, much appreciated.

      Peace unto you my friend,
      Dennis


  • Elfin
    March 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hello Haiku, I agree with sheltered, this makes for a much better poem than the first one. It has more depth, more feeling, and will stand alone without the need of the picture. Well done my friend. Val


  • sheltered
    March 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like it better than the original. Pretty much a completly different poem yet with the same basic message only told with better words in my opinion.


  • ShelleyA gold member
    March 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful revision Dennis. Lovely message. Powerful. Excellent flow and word choice. Good alliteration. A skillfully crafted piece. Well done!


  • -Ink Artist-
    March 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh Dennis, I love the revision! This is stark and bold and descriptive. Very powerful emotions to the crisis of this world. I think this is an improvement from the original, though I enjoyed it, too!


    ~Lori

1 - 8 of 8