…And the point was,
that I didn’t want him to die;
but the thought
was appealing-
like a side salad of intentions,
that you were too full to eat later…
(but you appreciated the idea.)
I couldn’t wrap my conciousness,
in traps or take-out boxes;
(let alone the whim of you,
like paper lanterns limned
in kanji characters—
shinde kudasai?)
please die,
please die-
Don’t break in body,
but in thorns of thought
which bleed out
the beginning of
our end…
…
I scrapped the sacred wishes,
& wants, of your body
a blanket atop my own
so the slur of words,
echoed back-
shinde moii desu ka?
Shinde moii desu ka?
(May I die?
May I die?)
So the suicide,
might silence
the empty shell splayed
on the floor.
Author notes
I'll just tell ya right here.
It's my favorite, because I love how well I could actually incorporate the language I'm learning ino a poem. I was so proud, and on top of that, I really liked the images I came up with.
KEY:
Shinde kudasai = please die
(sheen-deh coo-da-sigh)
shinde moii desu ka= may I die?
(sheen-deh moe-E des caw)
A contest entry
- Cynical Writers Welcome! by bw43.
549 points, ended March 13, 2007, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold Mine by Cherokee.
600 points, ended March 15, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free by Melissa Gayle.
390 points, ended March 16, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Heartbreak,Commitment and Relationships by SuiCiDaLKiSs.
300 points, ended April 2, 2007, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Personal Best #4 (Prewrites Allowed) by aGent Lemon.
360 points, ended March 26, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hungry for a real critique? by Danna Hobart.
700 points, ended April 11, 2007, 33 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I have no idea where I saw this poem at but I loved it. I decided to read it out loud for the purpose I wanted to read the Japanese aloud. This poem is amazing, really. I just love how you used two lanauges in it(I do it with french and Japanese kanji sometimes) makes it different and quite unique like many who can write in Russian on here. Well, like I tell all, keep on penning.
-Reign -
I love the Japanese language and indeed you have incorporated it well in this poem. I also like the nice style of this poem, the way words fuse together is pleasant and the images neat. But it is a bit hard to read on this background (or maybe it's my computer, it's been strange lately)
~Diana
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Okay, I found one tiny mistake... you are missing an s in the word "consciousness" in line 8.
Don’t break in body,
but in thorns of thought
which bleed out
the beginning of
our end…... the Biblical symbolism here is brilliant.
The only image that threw me was the last line. The empty shell did not seem to go with the rest of the poem, uniless I missed something. (Which is very possible).
As always, this was a very enjoyable read. Thanks for entering.
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I couldn’t wrap my conciousness,
in traps or take-out boxes;
(let alone the whim of you,
like paper lanterns limned
in kanji characters—
shinde kudasai?)
your poem is somewhat confusing since you are talking two themes which are not connected with each others. Second in your poem you must incorporate the word shinde kudasai in kanji characters since you had stated it there...
(let alone the whim of you,
like paper lanterns limned
in kanji characters—
shinde kudasai?)死んで下さい but then you wrote it in roman letters.
shinde moii desu ka?
Shinde moii desu ka?....死んでもういいですか
btw i'm glad for the fact that you appreciated our kanji characters and used it part of your poem....
goodluck...小百合（Rose Tattoo)
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Thank you very much for entering this contest. I may add much more of a comment later on since there are so many other submissions.
You may want to keep in mind that I will try to open more of the same contests one after another if I can earn enough feedback to do so which I must say would be truly appreciated. Altogether, I hope this will also give everybody a glimpse at one of you're favorite accomplishments which hopefully in turn inspire them to look at what else you've got. -
*jaw drops*
i love your poetry..OMG..i love the japanese phrases,,gambatte! -
a little hard to follow at first seemed choppy
good write
thanks for entering -
Hot damn. Strong, cynical and almost removed.
I love that beginning, the comparision to a side salad and the repetition later of 'please die' - excellent.
This is a strong piece! -
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How was it almost removed...?
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Wow little girl! That is awesome! Be sure to write why it's your favorite in the Author Comments...
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I'll just tell ya right here.
It's my favorite, because I love how well I could actually incorporate the language I'm learning ino a poem. I was so proud, and on top of that, I really liked the images I came up with.
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anasuya? i went back and looked and didn't see any entry by any anasuya...
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oops. I mean nicole hanna.
anasuya changed her name to nicole hanna.
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I liked your very first stanza. I thought it was a great beginning.... it kind of makes it out to seem like the speaker kills 'him', because the point was NOT wanting him to die... but then your second stanza... i liked very much how you contradicted yourself with how appealing the thought was. great use of metaphors..
i like that you incorporated another language into it, and that you defined it within the poem, as well as in your author notes.
I loved your last stanza of the first half... it was excellent.
thank you so much for your entry and good luck in the contest
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I liked this, I really, really liked this. It was so neat and creative.
Originality: 10/10
Creativity: 10/10
Sound flow/consistency: 8/10 with (these) things I thought it got a little... in the way sort of. not a big deal though.
Ideas flow/consistency: 7/10 i thought meaning- wise they made sense and flowed, but I don't see how the whole take out, salad, etc.. matches up with everything in the second part. You had two totally different themes, and it just didn't connect.
Imagery connects: 7/10 you told more than you showed, but the whole silence reference, appeals to the hearing, and i imagine silence. so i gave you credit for that.
abstraction/imagery is balanced: 7/10 needed more imagery, rather than telling.
Enjoyment: 9/10 this was really cool
Line breaks [if appropriate]/emphasis: 9/10 i feel like you emphasized some things, maybe a little too much. i particulary didnt like the repetition of 'please die' it sounded.. weird. maybe once is okay, but twice was unneccesary and didnt work. I like how you emphasized it though, subtly saying it in japanese and then in english. it was neat.
Length/organization: 9/10 i thought the length was all right, it seemed organized, and was developed pretty well because of that.
Poem is understandable: 8/10 maybe i could have understood it better had there been more emphasis on certain words that would 'clue' me in so im not totally lost searching for the meanings.
total: 84/100
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I don't agree with your 'imagery doesn't connect', but thanks for the critique.
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the meanings might have connected, but the concepts were two different things. I don't see how they unified, object- wise. Meaning- wise, they contributed to the poem. You see, there's a difference. Know what I am saying?
Justin said something like this to me back in Lit. round.. 5 and i said the same exact thing that you said. lol but after he explained, i understood.
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I wasn't going for it all unifying, so long as it makes sense. I just wrote what I thought and wrote it down in that order, but as you can see, my mind tends to wander in the middle of it's thoughts and branch out abit more for more room. They didn't need to unify object wise- they needed to unify MEANING wise. The meaning is what matters most.
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great write. ill probably be ranking these new one later tonight.
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i love this lindsay, but i shouldn't be suprised about that, all your work is amazing.. good luck in the contests honey
-S
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