Many years ago,
I looped a raspberry ribbon
through your sunny curls.
Your blues played peak-a-boo
with my doting tickle,
and you muttered,
“as long as I’m wearing this ribbon,
I’m your little girl.”
-
Yesterday, you visited home.
The ribbon was frayed,
yet it still wrapped your sleek hair.
I’d been admiring your maturity,
when your prudent expression
pinched my fingers around the bow,
and showed me the gold
circling your finger.
My smile began to rain,
still, your eyes beckoned my hand
to entice the ribbon free.
“It’s time,” you whispered.
My hand withdrew,
and the wilted ribbon,
slid past your quiet face,
into my palm.
And a benign trickle grazed your cheek.
Softly kissing the ribbon,
your eyes imitated mine
and you hushed,
“for as long as you have this ribbon,
I’ll be your loving daughter.”
Author notes
Am still working on this. But please leave constructive criticism.
If possible, I would like the following questions answered...
What sould I add/edit out?
What could be better?
Does it flow well enough?
Should I be more descriptive?
Is the metaphoric message portrayed clearly?
Thanks.
Any other suggestions welcome.
NB I've edited it a little; I hope it's made some improvement - what do you think?
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Overall
It seems as if this moment was cherished in such a rapturing time. Imagery was caught in an instant when I read it, and it touched me to feel and say that "to let something go is quite hard". I feel that the title completely stays intact with the theme of the poem, and the first line and last line leaves the reader with a closing image of rememberance and things that should never be forgotten. I only wish that you could make eyes seem prettier in this poem, but the ribbons did their job. Keep writing.
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Overall:
I think you should add more detail to how this moment came to be. What happened, the expression on your daughter's face and the thoughts that were incircling your mind the whole time. But besides that, I liked this poem very much. It must be very sad to let a daughter go, to realize your daughter isn't a little girl anymore. That's what my Mom is having to go through now, having to realize that this comming December I'll be 16, that this following school year I'll be learning to drive. I can only imagine how this must feel. beautiful write. Thanks for sharing.
-Ashley -
1. What should I add/edit out?
I understand using the "-" between stanzas one and two is used to denote the passage of time... instead of this, I would bite the bullet and actually write a stanza about the passing of time.
2. What could be better?
I wouldn't refer to her face as cordial.. there is a better word. I'd offer suggestions, but only you know... look harder at this.
3. Does it flow well enough?
Yes... that's not your problem. I mean, there is the argument to be made that free verse struggles with flow more than rhyming works do... and it does... but as far as it goes, it doesn't hang... and that's important.
4. Should I be more descriptive?
Yes... in the ways I have already discussed. Try not to add too much to this volume-wise. Replace imperfect words with better ones. Use your own best judgement as to how to do this.
5. Is the metaphoric message portrayed clearly?
Uhm, well, as long as you are trying to illustrate a "the tie that binds" sort of thing, then yes. If the girl is dead, or the mother for that matter, or something else, for example, then no. But if that is what you are trying to do, I wouldn't call the piece metaphorical - just so you can see where I am coming from.
Good luck with this, and all your future works.
~Das -
I admire your asking for constructive criticism with your poem. It is a very touching and moving write that tugs at the heartstrings. There are a few areas that could be improved to make it stronger. S1, L2 change to "a" raspberry ribbon, L4 omit "and as" your blue...; S2, L2 might read smoother as "the ribbon" and L4 should be "admired" to keep the same voice. Also L5 omit the comma after "expression". I think S3 should be re-written as it reads awkwardly. S5, "gladden" should be gladdened, although you could have a better word choice here. In your final stanza, "and you hushed" could be "you quietly said" for smoother flow. These are merely my suggestions and are intended to be helpful and not hurtful. Your poem is very moving and really touched my heart. Good luck! Best to you, Elizabeth
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I truly enjoyed this piece and you could leave it here or keep going with it. It leaves room for both. I would edit out the (and gist) from it. But other than that it was a heartfelt piece that was easy to picture in my head, and it was very sweet.
PoeticThunder* -
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I've had comments elsewhere about that area, but I like more than one person to state an issue before I act on it, because of opinions...
But, I've cut that part now. I spent hours pondering the right word, never occured to me to just drop it!!
Thanks again.
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I don't know but I think it is fine the way it is. The flow is good so is the rythm it works quite well and tells a beautiful story of mother and daughter. Thank you for sharing this lovely write.
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When I started reading, I imagined something very far off this subject. You know how they have certain ribbon days? I thought it would be about that.
I actually love this piece, it's brilliant in so many ways. One part which could be improved (though only slightly) is this part
"My hand (and heart) withdrew, and the
ribbon became limp,"
It sounds a little stiff. Great write though.
DC
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Ok thanks!! I will take a look at that part. That was a main part that I wasn't sure of actually. So I'll try and reword it.
Wondered if you could expand on "stiff" though...just a bit vague lol.
Thanks again. -
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Yes, that does make it sound better.
Stiff as in the flow cuts off a bit. You sort of read it as if you don't understand what the words mean.
It's better now though
DC
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I really don't know how to answer your questions, but I thought it was a great poem, it came from your heart,and that's what makes it yours. Sorry about not answering the questions, I'm only good at saying what I like and what I don't lol.
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