Inhale.
I'll breathe you in like my father's cigarette smoke;
such a lovely pleasure you are, my darling.
My addiction, I will never give you up.
Exhale.
You'll stay in my lungs forever;
right next to my heart.
I'll breathe of you eternally.
Tainted by your poison, love.
Baby, you'll kill me from the inside out;
cancer for my veins.
Let's have another deep breath, shall we?
Even if it is just for old times sake.
Author notes
Option 4, "Breathe You In" - Stabbing Westward
By the way, this is my 1st attempt at [dirty pretty]. So constructive criticism would be nice.
I hope I did ok. ^^
SN - Lovely Amaranth
A contest entry
- Cigarrette %Cherries% For Lips by Mildew in PinK tile.
1300 points, ended March 21, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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oh, I like this. well done! I think you mean "time's", unless you're avoiding the punctuation for a reason. this is full of great images -
Baby, you'll kill me from the inside out;
cancer for my veins.
a terrific couple of lines. I have to say the poison love thing seems a little bit cliched, but the rest of the poem is so unique that it doesn't really hurt anything. Still, maybe a slight rephrasing would help-even adding a comma before love would add a double entendre with the endearment, and keep it fresh. All in all, I loved it.
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well its close to it but i say you did pretty good for your first time !! honestly this was my favorite line:
Exhale.
You'll stay in my lungs forever;
right next to my heart.
I'll breathe of you eternally
that is def the defination of dirty pretty dear, if you added a little bit more to this it would be even better! but for now you did well. thank you so much for entering and for trying something new
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Interesting..great write...I agree with " Baby" seeming to be a bit off..and doesnt really follow the depth of the rest of this piece..
thanks for sharing
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i really like this poem. except i dont think starting your sentence with "baby" is as serious as the rest of the poem seems
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hmmm
this is interesting i really enjoyed reading it and it seems so sincere and to the point wonderful !!!!
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