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Elegy (hybridanelle #22)


I'll not forget your kindness, nor the pain
staked between my ribs to rip my vital center.
I'll not forget your laughter, nor the tears
I cursed in vain against the all unseeing skies
or whimpered like a mongrel clamped in iron jaws,
bleeding broken lamentation to the stars.

I'll not forget your whispers, nor the poison words
you coated on the rusty spike of truth,
staked between my ribs to rip my vital center,
healed only by the seal of deep unfeeling scars
that still can never hide the searing touch of rage
I cursed in vain against the all unseeing skies.

I'll not forget your comfort, nor the angst
inspired by deception, the shameless treachery
you coated on the rusty spike of truth,
the weeks of turbid panic that thundered like a storm
until my thoughts were beached on barren shores of death,
bleeding broken lamentation to the stars.

I'll not forget your promise, nor the tragedy
that left me in a state of desolation
inspired by deception, the shameless treachery
that marred my sense of trust with green infected scabs
until, half crazed by torment, in uttermost defeat,
I cursed in vain against the all unseeing skies.

I'll not forget your presence, nor the absence,
the swollen scarcity of faith and understanding
that left me in a state of desolation,
clutching onto dirt-clods, scraping over stones,
choking clots of dust, and in the hollow night
bleeding broken lamentation to the stars.

Though I may one day drink from streams of inner peace,
I'll not forget your kindness, nor the pain,
the swollen scarcity of faith and understanding.
I'll not forget your laughter, nor the tears
that welled from acid springs to melt away my skin
as, trembling at the edge of self annihilation,
I cursed in vain against the all unseeing skies,
bleeding broken lamentation to the stars.

 

 

Author notes

to learn more about the hybridanelle: http://allpoetry.com/Column/1086828

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Rj
    June 7, 2007

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    Nicely done. I can feel the pain in this write, yes it's well edited and slickly textured but the emotion comes through as genuine... I suppose normally I might be looking for more long dark vowels and a slower read speed, but that comes with depression, and real moods are whimsical and windblown. Fact is sometimes a write true to technique can sound contrived and often it is. This write has the feel of a snake bite with a little aftertaste of arsenic. The long grating 'a's conjure an exasperated 'scream' while the heartbeat is both irregular and strong when the wound throbs. I generally expect this type of poetry to be even more discordant, as grating textures add more impact, but that's not your style instead you echoed the primal scream to build affect. It's a shame people who write those angsty emotional rants probably can't read. They could learn something about the dynamic expression of emotion through properly controlled poetry.

    As to the images, again nicely done, rusty spikes, unseeing skies, dirt clods etc. are all very tangible and tactile images that cause discord and discomfort. And you've done well not to over internalize the write with subjective platitudes. And where you did write the emotion in preference to the image, you did keep the sound as harsh as possible with well-chosen adjectives.

    In general, heartbreakers fall into two categories, retrospectives and mile markers. Retrospectives are often written years afterwards, and those will come, they will be more bittersweet, deeper and darker. Whereas mile markers like this poem are more vivid, impactful and in certain ways therapeutic. There is of course the temptation to crank them out adnausium, or to exercise overabundant self-restraint to avoid redundancy, which makes times like these either very productive or pretty barren of product. I suppose the trick is to capture the wind as it blows over the carnage, sometimes intermingled with the fragrance of honeysuckle other times strait from the slaughterhouse... No one poem can capture the whimsy of emotion, as no one poet should get stuck rewriting the same poem. As much as I might add that other projects aren't likely to feel right for a while. Once you really begin to write from the heart, intellectual dalliances tend to become less meaningful.

    Frankly, I've always been slightly concerned about your motivation for being a poet, you have always been the intellectual artist with a tendency towards architecture over organism. Fact is some of us were wondering when you were going to let go, and use those formidable skills you've honed to write 'real' and from the 'knowing'. 'Real' and from the ‘knowing’ of course being a mantra of my own prog-lyrical genre. Knowing the rules is essential for writing great poetry, just like understanding texture and the color pallot for the artist, but poems are penned in emotions as much as words. Form is adapted and rules are innovated to create impact and originality, they should never become a trap. As much as the inspiration for writes like these sucks personally, artistically, I'm definitely seeing growth. Stay with the feelings, let yourself write over the top, and if you want your writes to be more cathartic and poignant let yourself tell a story. Write an intro, body and conclusion, it doesn't have to be an epic trilogy but by letting your mind and your readers move through time you will be getting a feeling of emotional movement that will be healthy. That's not to say you shouldn't do an epic trilogy with an epilogue, they take forever, edit in blood and cause both emotional and intellectual fatigue, but the one I did, was worth every hour, day and week misspent in the peace of mind it brought me. And by the way, you are the first person I've recommended this type of poetry to as I’ve always been afraid that I might be then asked to read it. If there is only one thing worse than a bad poem, it’s 4 interwoven poems, dragging over many mind-numbing pages. But I'm pretty sure you could pull it off if I did. I might add it's not likely to get too many reads, but you will be surprised how many people will make it through if it's really good and you will wind up with a real monument to this time in your life.

    In any case, welcome to the dark side,

    Rainbows,

    ~RJ~

    BTW, the only way to separate true poets from the wanna-be's is after a summer's rain... Oh yes, they will all chase the same rainbow, but if you look closely, most are after the pot of gold, only the real poets are trying to catch the rainbow.

  • Dark The Poet gold member
    May 14, 2007

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    Deeply Moving

    I like the ryhtem of your poem. I thank you for the explation of the hybridanell. When you think of poetry do you always think in terms of classic forms? Do you ever write free verse? Do you believe in free verse? I find my greatest inspiration in the world arround me. I feel that some time a poem will come into my head fully writen I need only put it to pen. I ask you these questions because Of your latest post. I tried having this exchange with another poet and it didn't go well. I think the process is diffrent for each poet. I just picked your name because it had a good vibe. When I read your lines:"I cursed in vain against all the unseeing skies...", "...bleeding broken lamentation to the stars." The depth of pain is in line with the infinant vastness I see in the sky when I ponder my place in the world. A friend Poet wrote that,"...wwe were fire flies daring the sun." It was in a fragment of a Poem on one of our party till dawn nights. He slept for a few hours and in his more sober state could not remember the image. But it sticks with me and makes me both afarid and powerful. I know the power of words. Sticks and stones, decaye has words grow stronger, passing out into space to be heard again.

    • Zahhar gold member
      May 14, 2007
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      hi dark poet,

      i'd say that i'm neither a classicist, neo-classicist, nor modern or postmodernist. the closest thing i think i come to is something known as a 'language poet', though i'm not quite that either in the technical sense, especially since i don't make any attempt to adhere to the ideals of language poetry.

      i guess i'm just my own creature where poetry is concerned. i write in form, currently mostly for project poetry; i break the rules of form and write deviations from form, also part of my project work; and i write free verse and semi-structured free verse. my goal, i think, is to find the words and structure (or relative lack thereof) that best suits an idea and/or expression, and to explore just how far a form can be probed before it becomes meaningless and impossible to work with any further.

      i have two lists of free verse poetry linked to my author page. one is asymmetrical, and the other symmetrical. both are free verse in their own right. if i were to recommend one off the top of my head, i'd peruse the asymmetrical list for a poem titled "Father".

      thanks for your thoughts, and your interest in my efforts.

  • rizalinium
    April 14, 2007

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    Great

    Nice, Pleasant, very sad. it really touched me on how you express your deepest feelings. Great job. hope you will continue to do your great work in making such excellent poems.

    . Rewarded 4

  • Kay Laon Anders
    March 9, 2007

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    Heart Break

    We hear the words "heart break" a lot out in society, in films, and the ever coming drama that explodes from friends.."Oh my ass! It hurts! my heart just got broken" and then you have to remind them of where the heart is located in the body and then suggest them getting some pepto bismol....ah...well anyway...like you always do you have turned it into something original...it seems like a "moving on" poem...but not quite...like...i'll always remember ya and stuff butttt....i ain't gonna stop livin' life for ya either...you know? Well I hope you are doing well and this was of course a great write...but you didn't need to hear that from me with your followers...lol...

    KAY

    - cheerfulness with another "ness" attached...

    . Rewarded 4

  • ShadesOfGray
    March 6, 2007

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    Well, you certainly write well, your vocabulary is impeccable, and you feel extremely comfortable in the form. That being said, I can't really say that I liked this poem - it's not the sort of thing one likes, it's rather too dark (at least for my taste). Your imagery was very visceral, very evocative. I might think about changing the slightly misleading categories, but all in all a well-constructed poem.

  • rampantheart
    March 6, 2007
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    Amazing

    You are obviously a very talented poet, as I can see stuff in here that would take me years to even conjure up from my imagination...you are a very good example of what a dedicated poet should be...i believe i will be coming back for more of your poetry soon...write on!

    . Rewarded 4


  • SuZyCuE
    March 6, 2007

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    Wow this is very powerful. Sad in a way, yet it has tones of going full circle, hoping to finally recieve some closure. remembering not to forget, the pain, the suffering, the angst, yet knowing that at one time it wasnt all bad. I think all of us can relate to this in one way or another. I really liked this one Erin, it whispers the promise of healing, in the battlefield of love. Hope your doing well
    Suzanne

    . Rewarded 4


  • yourbentangel
    March 6, 2007

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    Emotional

    I used to think that your free form was best.. After reading this, I went back and read some of the other ones in this form. I think that I like this one best and let me tell you why...

    It seems in this form I can imagine different scenarios at the same time. For example... I can see one hurt lover speaking to another just on the verge of closure. Then I can see a emotionally hurt child speaking to maybe an emotionally abusive parent.

    The way that you make a reader interpret your writes is what I find amazing here.

    Thank you

    . Rewarded 4

  • Molassis
    March 6, 2007

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    Strong, powerful.. DEEP, DARK and also cold. Icy to be more exact, it's like you are isolating yourself from your feelings in this... which brings about a coldness.

    I don't think I've read a dark, sad piece that is SOOOO beautifully written... the images, my goodness, what can I even say about them? I have a picture of a person, in my mind, who is sitting alone, in a darkened forest... and it's sooo dark and cold there that they are numb, can't move, for the torture of their thoughts, and they've deliberately placed themselves there to be at one with their hurt and pain... and they drown in their own thoughts as those thoughts seep into their soul... just the mental picture painted in my warped little mind...

    I don't know what to say to this... I want to tell you that it will be ok... but that is not what you seek through your words, I THINK... so I'll just say, this is exquisite writing... words that I can FEEL, that touch... that I can relate all too well to.

    Amazing Zahhar... brilliant... and I am sorry it's full of darkened sadness...

    ~Melissa

    . Rewarded 4

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