I could pick you flowers,
bright blooms and blossoms
to warm you in winter.
Their memories would spill
from every tiled kitchen corner,
petals cascading into a sea
of vibrant color against
the satin snow.
A new seedling would burst
from beneath the soil,
and you would feel
its ripening redemption
upon you
whenever you smelled
its soft fragrance.
Each day,
as the sky grew colder
and darker,
you would be protected
from the beckoning night
by the memory of flowers.
Author notes
Option #3, Picture #9
http://www.flowers.org.uk/images/flowers/rose-winter2000_big.jpg
For Marns.
A contest entry
- Winter to Spring (Picture contest with tons to choose from) by Moonlit-Reveries.
450 points, ended March 14, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Should Have Won...But Didn't by trista.
1050 points, ended February 24, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I really enjoyed your descriptions in this. There are a couple of places I'd have liked to see you be more specific, saying "roses" and/or "carnations" instead of just “flowers” for example, but generally you did a great job. I can easily picture everything.
There isn’t anything technically wrong that I can find. You use punctuation sparingly but appropriately, and I loved the “ripening redemption” lines. I would love to see more alliteration like that! It can really help give your poetry a musical feel. Something about the first stanza kept bothering me, but it’s taken me several readings to figure out what it is... You talk about the flower petals spilling from “tiled kitchen corners” and cascading against the snow. It doesn’t make sense that there would be snow in a kitchen, yet the way it’s worded, that’s what it sounds like. I think a tad bit of clarification would be good there.
I had a similar problem following your thoughts into the second stanza, where you talk about new seedlings bursting from the soil. How did we get from snow to spring, which is when I’d expect new flowers to be coming up from the soil? I love the thoughts of that stanza, but something to more clearly connect it to the already picked flowers would be nice. Or, with a bit of tweaking, I think you could make it the first stanza instead, and bring us from the birth of a new flower to picking them, as the natural order of things would happen.
The ending of the poem is maybe just a bit flat IMO, without any kind of “aha!” moment, not that every poem needs one. But some kind of revelation or hook that would make this hard to forget, or keep your readers thinking even after they’ve finished reading, would be great.
Most all of this is a matter of personal preference and opinion, of course.
Thanks so much for a lovely entry, and good luck in the contest.
Best wishes,
~J.
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I agree with the other comment about your first line. I love how you capture a thought in mid-moment. Your 2nd stanza is my favorite, especially the smile part. Though I do have some other favorite moments, such as the last 3 lines of the first stanza. Thanks for this great entry and best of luck in my contest
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this is quite beautiful. the imagery and descriptions are so vivid and full of life. it is rich and colorful and it makes me think of eating a juicy fruit.
you know, i really can't find anything wrong with this poem. there were like one or two things that bugged me for a millisecond...but after reviewing, i wouldn't change them. so yeah. don't change anything
i also wanted to say that i think the beginning of the poem is unusual and unique...because it almost seems like it starts in the middle of a thought. its not like you said "if i could pick you flowers"...its just "i could pick you flowers". its like we have been transported into the mind of someone mid-emotion, and get to glimpse this lovely idea forming...it is truly wonderful.
thank you for such a sumptuous and special write!
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