Lemon sucked
lips puckered
ready for kiss
Kiss delivered
sweet and sour
appealing feeling
yearn for more
Suck again
In a list
A contest entry
- Lemon by J.J. Sass.
300 points, ended March 6, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Oranges and/or Lemons by Vera Rich.
590 points, ended January 30, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I agree, this isn't freeverse. Freeverse is precisely that, free, and this is regular. I think this could do with some punctuation as well. If you took out the line breaks this would have no rhythm.
I don't really like the rhythm of this, it has the feeling of a list. I can understand that you wanted quick actions that moved on to the next rapidly, but what you get is a shopping list of images and sensations.
A nice direction into the oranges and lemons theme though. -
I am not going to argue with Vera about what is and isn't free verse. I have my opinions, but she has been at this game longer than I have and knows her stuff!
The rhythm here gives the poem punch, and works along with its simplicity. I can say no more.
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Thank you for entering thie "Oranges and/or Lemons" competition. This is an interesting approach - and made me wonder if it a variant of the "sweetening" of the wine at a Slavonic wedding.
It is perhaps a little slight - and "sweet and sour" makes me think of a late-night snack from the Chinese takeaway.
What is more worrying is that you claim this poem to be in free verse. But that is not so. It has an absolutely regular rhythm. Please do not mix up unrhymed verse in regular metre with free verse, which is a very different thing.
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yummy!
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hmmm.. could've been a little deeper.
Thanks for the entry.
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