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Steel

 

 




He breaks his stance of
'man never cries'
wedges his head tight
into those hands
meant to provide, protect

damns god, the government
all those lessons
learned from his own father

tells her he's sorry
repeatedly
in-between the sounds
of steel breaking down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes


off to the breakfast buffet... hopefully will be able to work on this when I get back...

if not... it's all good.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • dking
    May 2, 2007
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    Strong

    The style fits the subject perfectly. Short,hard, reppressed. Great poem.


  • LadyUnique silver member
    March 12, 2007
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  • maskedwarrior198
    March 7, 2007

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    so simple yet so complex the poem really gives a whole different array of emotions. I also like how many different conclusions you can draw from the end. nice job.


  • Ariosto II. gold member
    March 6, 2007

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    Even when steel doesn't break, it usually corrodes with time.

    Even the 'David' suffered a broken wrist


  • Heart Sutra
    March 6, 2007
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    this is intense! wow! congratulations on the gold hon!


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    March 5, 2007

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    Wow

    This is strong and intense and so worthy of this gold trophy. Congratulations. A moving piece and a pleasure to read. ~Pamela


  • EvilKate
    March 5, 2007

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    Congrats on the very well-deserved Gold. You managed to layer a complex array of emotion within an apparently simple use of language. That isn't a bad thing - it's the core of any great poem.


  • Blkwidow77 silver member
    March 4, 2007
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    .


  • Cat
    March 4, 2007

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    what i like about this piece is its ability to be interpreted in many and varied ways- i think this man may have been my father- i think i know him too-

    thanks for entering
    m


  • bw43
    March 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful


  • -ButterflyCuts-
    March 4, 2007

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    Ah.. this is very very good.

    Definitly a placer.

    meli, bonny.. the horse is amazing.. completely. ANd she's bloody enormous! Like.. 8ft. Her head can pass over the top of mine without touching


    • Annalise
      March 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Woo hoo! I'm so jealous you have a horse. What's her name? And silly... horses are measured in hands, not feet. I'm a horse-girl, was riding horses before I could even walk. Love horsies.


      • -ButterflyCuts-
        March 5, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        LOL! I do know that Meli! But we I can't remember how many hands she is.. probably about 18 if scarlet (my mum's) is 16.1. She's called bonny. I'll show ya a picture


    • Cherokee
      March 4, 2007
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      Yay... you got a horse! I'm so glad you didn't get the spitting llama!

      • -ButterflyCuts-
        March 4, 2007
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        she is SO amazing, you have no idea lol! I'll get a picture up soon

      • Cherokee
        March 4, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        sorry... I just came back to read it again... I really like it!


  • Danny Beatty gold member
    March 4, 2007

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    in between the sounds....

    tells her he's sorry
    repeatedly
    in-between the sounds
    of steel breaking down.

    the phrase 'in-between' propels me back through the poem, and i know the whole man in this poem is actually between those sounds. when a guy breaks down, the space that is freed up between the loss of self respect and concern for those he loves, not his ego, his embarassment, but those he loves, like in a layoff or something like that, that place, that space is where he always has been, it is not a macho place, it is a brave, caring place freed up by sadness and desperation. Most guys are actually in this place all the time, and they put up steel so you women can't see it, because they are afraid you won't love them if they aren't invulvnerable. I used to have a place like that. This is kind of an important poem. ,,,Danni


  • misselaineous
    March 4, 2007
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  • Cherokee
    March 4, 2007
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    Breakfast buffet? Are you on vacation? You gotta write, doncha? I like this.

1 - 21 of 21