I float here waiting......
just waiting for Him to take me
"He will sheild me from the danger"
I say, feeling myself being lifted slowly
My naked body is covered by
a beautiful sheet of silky cloth
My hair sparkles and flows as I
begin to soar above
My beloved blue-green Earth
in which I am leaving
Oh how I wish it would not
have been so soon,
But alas it is
my time to go to Him
"He will protect me from Evil!"
I shout as I am now in clouds
I see a golden gate waiting for me
it's so bright and beautiful.....
I reach out for it to touch
then suddenly I am falling....
Back down to that blue-green Earth
in which I've called my hme until now
"Why am I falling?" my mind screams
I try to save myself but my arms and legs cannot move
I fall to earth and
know I did something to deserve what has happened
I did a sin in which now
I must prove myself to Him and go back up
A contest entry
- Image Inspiration #6 by Grey Mouser.
525 points, ended March 10, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Thano you! I am glad you liked it
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Lifted up to taste the fruits of heaven, yet returned to set straight the wrongs and make the trust by Him complete. A very nice written mesaage that soars so beautifully to find itself mired in the realities we face. Thanks for entering intothe contest.
Be well and be blessed,
Mouser -
Lis,
I am so glad that you commented again (lol). I would love to read some of your work sometime.
In my 7th grade year I started working on a book series and it took me 11 months to finish the first book. I'm sure I have spelling and grammer mistakes because I have not had the time to go over it and re-edit or revise it (50,000+ words total). But I loved working on it. Then in my 8th grade year I started a second book which I have never completed because I have not had the time and the computer it was saved on is now unplugged and sitting in our garage (got new Apple comp for christmas) and I did not have to on a floppy or CD because the computer was so old it did not even recogzie a flash drive.
And here I am rambling all of this to you, which by now you must be bored so I thank you once more for commenting and hope we can stay in touch.
Mem -
It's OK.
I do think you are right in a way that it could be better; yet I think everything that anyone writes could always use an re-edit or revise. Like I said before I will take a look and edit it a bit when I get a chance. I am quite busy this week and the next week because of school work (health class, biology project, ect.) It's crazy!
Thanks aga,
Mem -
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Yes. You are right. Everyone needs to edit their work, mine included. It's what us writers/poets have to do. That's okay, do it in your own time...it's your poem. I am writing fiction at the moment and I have edited some of my stories at least five times and more, before I can get them right. Sometimes it just needs a fresh eye to look over work, not yours, but anyone's.
We all learn with our own mistakes and I have made many in the 21 months I have been writing...and I still do.
Take Care Mem.
Cheers, from Lis'.xx
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Hi Mem,
Sorry I didn't want this to come across as harsh and as a bad review. I liked the message you were trying to get over, but I think it could do with an edit and polish to make this one shine. You have a good idea behind this poem, just needs that extra ingrediant. Good luck in the contest. I will look out for your re-edit.
Cheers, from Lis'.xx -
It is good to get bad reviews. I have not had one in a long time. I still thank you for your comment. I will consider to re-edit my entry for this contest. Thank you again for your words.
Mem -
I liked some of the lines that were used, but I'm afraid it didn't do anything for me. I know what you were trying to say, but I think you can choose better words and inflict more emotion in this for the reader to hold interest in this piece. A good attempt though.
Sorry don't mean to be harsh. It's only my opinion.
SM33
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