I lost track of you.
You loved me. Said you did, at least. You gave me kisses on my cheek, hickeys along my collarbone, bruises on my hips… and I lost you. I’ve searched and searched for the emails, the text messages, all those things you sent me full of promises, wishes, hopes, that I could never give back, and yet somehow, they aren’t there. And I’m beginning to think that I dreamed you. That you aren’t real at all, that you never were. You were always too perfect for my messy dreams.
I only have one photo left. All the others got thrown out along with the pieces of my shattered whispers and hollow heart. Your eyes are so bright, your lips so red, your face so… so perfect. Perfection. One of many things you had that I could never be, never get, never do.
When we first met, I was only young, but I thought everything of you. I thought roses grew in your footsteps, stars collided in your eyes, dreams, hopes, memories all came from you, you and you only.
I draw you every day. The pictures line my walls, your face smiling, laughing, pouting down at me. At first I did it not to forget. Now I do it to keep you alive. Us alive. To let all those Utopias we created live on and on and on, so we will never die because they will never die.
I don’t know how to bring you back. I’ve tried everything, but you’re not coming back. You’re never coming home. Because I lost you in one night of misty downpour, crashing stars, smudged eyeliner, broken scars. That’s all we ever were, dollface, and that’s all we are now.
My breath crystallises on windowpanes, reminding me that I’m still alive and breathing. Yet try as I might, I can’t get the nagging thoughts out of my head that are saying: “you’re not real. None of this is real”. And outside the sun rises and sets, telling me that the world will keep on spinning. But it all seems so hollow, empty, pointless, without you in it with me.
You told me we were forever, you told me we would last. And yet, here I am, lying on a bathroom floor, tracing hearts on the dirty tiles with my fingers, spelling out your name in the dust, writing love notes that you’ll never read in the condensation breathed over the mirror.
Cigarette smoke wisps around my head, the strands of nicotine and carbon pulling on the pure air, dirtying the tiled walls. You always moaned at me when I didn’t open a window. I would always apologise, apologise, apologise, promise never to do it again, buy cans of deodorant and spray them all around to get rid of the smell. But since you left, it hasn’t felt worth it. Now the stench of buried tears and late-night haunting thoughts follows me everywhere.
If you were here, I know what you’d say. “It’s okay,” you’d promise, your words playing in your eyes and on your tongue, “everything will work out in the end”. And yet, as the world spins around me, I can’t believe your words like I did before.
But now everything’s mixed up in my blood stream, all the hope and fears and dying expectations. I can’t think of your face anymore. I can barely see it. All I can think of is how I lost you, I lost you, I lost you. And I’ll never get you back. Because I lost you so, so long ago. And now, I know I’ll never find you again.
Author notes
so.. yeah.. i want to enter this into a short story contest, where i might get published. do you think it's good enough? all comments, good, bad, insightful, damning, they're all good. thanks in advance.♥
Meggxx
Pick me apart, butterflies.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Yes...it is good enough...easily
However...it is not a short story, not even a vignette. No beginning, no middle, no end, really, a 'slice of life', a practice write, an exercise write, perhaps? To gain skill at writing such an intimate and introspective perspective that may one day grace a story with two people and dialogue and a story line and....(having read other things of yours) maybe even...dare I say...a happy ending, at least a hopeful ending.
I understand why you are cautious and doubtful of my credentials...and just who the hell I am, could be a predator, I suppose...not...wrong.
You are an amazing writer and I have read many. I would not continue to read and comment if I did not sense the talent, some latent, that you expose in your works, but I will not pursue.
I have left information as to how you can communicate with me...up to you.
amicus...
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it made me cry! this is so moving and so percious. i like the backtraking that you did, bringing up memories in such vivid detail and then ending in the present.
you need to get it published, it will be a best seller and it will be in my bookshelf. i bet youll be an author someday, and i will be a very avid reader ^.^
this reminds me of one of my favorite authors, Francessca Lia Block. if you havent read her books you should, you would love them
lovelovelove you!!
♥
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thank you sweets, that means soso much. i'll let you know if i ever get published, but don't hold your breath unless you want to be purple..
Noise&&Kisses♥♥
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this was heartbreaking to read.
it brought tears to my eyes.
it was amazingly written.
wow.
that is really all i can say.
beautiful, baby.
♥
i love you.
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i love you more, sweets. thathathanks.
Noise&&Kisses♥♥
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Oh honey! This brought tears to my eyes... of.course it's good enough
I don't even know what to say, honestly. The way it started out (only the first couple sentences), it makes you think it's going be another write about just another breakup. But the twist you gave it was absolutely inspired. "I lost you, I lost you...no...I really lost you." It gives the whole thing a kind of haunted feeling. The way you described everything just resonated so loud. You made me feel empty. Also, what's rather surreal, is that it could be written by anyone. This could be a 80 year old woman or a 13 year old girl reminiscing on a past love.
Just absolutely breathtaking... If you don't wind, I'ma gonna have to tear up some hell. You're amazing, doll. Don't ever forget that ♥♥
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I'm soso glad you liked it sweets; that means so much. I was going for that universal appeal, so most people can relate to it on some level, all those tricks they teach you at school, you know? Love your new 'face'. Thank you so much sweets.
Noise&&Kisses♥♥
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I lost track of you.
You loved me. Said you did, at least. You gave me kisses on my cheek, hickeys along my collarbone, bruises on my hips… and I lost you. I’ve searched and searched for the emails, the text messages, all those things you sent me full of promises, wishes, hopes, that I could never give back, and yet somehow, they aren’t there. And I’m beginning to think that I dreamed you. That you aren’t real at all, that you never were. You were always too perfect for my messy dreams.
:
I draw you every day. The pictures line my walls, your face smiling, laughing, pouting down at me. At first I did it not to forget. Now I do it to keep you alive. Us alive. To let all those Utopias we created live on and on and on, so we will never die because they will never die.
AHHH"
I can’t believe your words like I did before.
?????dfgdfh in love.with.this.
I think it should have just ended with that line.
loved this though
!!!!!!!!!1
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Wow, thanks for that comment. It really made me smile. I'm vevevery glad you liked this.
Noise&&Kisses♥♥
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