We paced around in circles over & over,
I managed to remain so calm
I maintained my composure
& indifference.
Then I tripped- it was merely a stumble-
My straight-edged thoughts
After just one fumble
Began to travel a little more crooked.
They hit the heart & brain
Instead of just one or the other,
& I simply couldn't explain
Why I began to flinch at your touch.
Author notes
silverbutterflies23
A contest entry
- Head vs. Heart by DramaQueen469.
300 points, ended March 25, 2007, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Resident Advisors by DancingRed.
300 points, ended March 18, 2007, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The I'm-sick-of-reading-crap contest. by AutumnsFlame.
507 points, ended May 12, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Hmmm... This was a good poem. Well written. Good metaphors. Good job. Not amazing, but it was nice. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
-
Wow, thanks for the great comment and advice!
I appreciate it very much. -
Very powerful in it's shortness. (Why write more when enough is enough?)
"- it was merely a stumble-" - I enjoyed this clever part of the poem, finding that is was written almost as a side thought. I'd say that part is definitely humorous in it's own way, adding realistic conversational value to your poem.
The stumble/fumble rhyme adds interest and great flow to the stanza.
"They hit the heart & the brain" - perhaps 'the' is not needed a second time as it seems to clog the words a tad.
Powerful ending which sums up the poem well.
Thanks for entering this poetic piece in my contest.
DancingRed.
-
Awwww, this is so sad!! Gorgeous though... thanks for entering this piece and good luck!!
Maria xoxox
Adding your comment:
