Iii

when i was a junior,
my mother was in the hospital for two weeks
i entertained myself imagining
her eventual death-
testing out that sadness
like a grocery store sample.
it felt cold
like the December air around me
i could totally relate to it

with the news of the sickness came casseroles
from all the desperate housewives in the neighborhood
rushing to help out someone truly desperate
and get points for their imaginary girl scout sashes

(casseroles are a dead food
they live in the freezer
and get "heated up"
like some zombie made of cheese and egg noodles)

and we had to eat these things every night
recipes from the back of tortilla chip bags
the kind our mother collected
and we’d never let her try

and then i'd imagine my mother's death again,
and eventually,
though a process of unconcious conditioning,
I came to associate casseroles with death.

my mother was in the hospital on christmas