The sun warming my skin
The fire’s no longer a-blaze.
The Wind is a-changing
With new words within.
Running away from my past
Guilt by my side.
With all the death around me
No other emotion can last.
I’m out of breath
But there’s no way I could stop.
If I do, the pain will catch up.
That certain pain caused the death.
Tears running down my face,
I wipe them away.
Dark clouds are now covering the sun.
Crying harder, I say grace.
Being pitch-black, I light a fire.
Tomorrow morning I will do it all again.
Nighttime: the only time I can stop;
My rest during this time is dire.
A contest entry
- ANYTHING! by DelaneyDisaster.
300 points, ended April 2, 2007, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Should Have Won...But Didn't by trista.
1050 points, ended February 24, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I feel like there's a lot of emotion behind this piece, but it's somewhat vague as to just what emotion it is. Your title doesn't really clue me in, actually adds to the mystery; why would "the breath of morning" be a fear? That's something I would expect to be answered within the poem, but I don't believe it was.
I liked the rhyme scheme you chose, which makes the rhyme more subtle. The rhyming does feel just a tad bit forced in places though. Both the flow and punctuation were pretty good. What I think this mostly would benefit from is more clarity and depth, maybe try to get some imagery in there to balance the "show" and "tell". Sometimes it's hard to really put all your feelings out there for others to read, but imagery can help you do that without actually naming the emotions behind it. Experiment a bit with metaphors and similes and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what comes out of your pen.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck in the contest.
Best wishes,
~J.
Adding your comment:
