Does everything we've held mean nothing to us?
Did stars we'd touch together fall for naught?
Did longing draw its breath then pass on through us,
erasing promises that words forgot?
The winds so quickly flickered, candles caught
like lashes licked across wet lover's skin.
Our lies lie open, hiding those we'd brought;
the fires fed, except for those we'd bring.
Impaled remains turned foul, we began,
dead fingers clutching moments passed before:
If these are banished words, if truth was won
while yearning routed 'cross the fields of war
then words with meanings are but temporary,
and friendship brings but shadows for the wary.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I have always liked the image of dead fingers clutching, it's as if there is still some hope even after the emotional death. It's funny because Precious by Depeche Mode just came on. Seems fitting somehow. Anyway, just dropping by to express my liking for this poem. A few memorable images and phrases even.
. Rewarded 4
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Interesting, I like the questions and images.
"Does everything we've held mean nothing to us?
Did stars we touch together fall for naught?
Did longing draw its breath then pass on through us,
erasing promises that words forgot?"
Wow nice i love these four opening lines! I love poetic questions.
I always wonder if they are for the poet or the audience or just for life itself.
"Our scars lie open, hiding those we brought;
All fires fed, except for those we bring.
Impaled remains turned foul, we began,"
The striking images here definately evoke strong feelings of pain and the past that we bring to new or current situations. The feeding of the fire and the impaled remains are again some very striking images that conjour up some kind of dystopia in the world of the poem.
. Rewarded 4
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nice
i really like sonnets. and this one is great. the words you used have great expression, and it follows the sonnet pattern really well.
i've never really liked dark sonnets, but for some reason i liked yours. i think because it was dark, but had some love in it. it was quite a intrigueing read.
peace
~Love -
This poem had some good lines and some dark imagery. I like the use of alliteration in the line "like lashes licked across wet lover's skin".
One grammatical suggestion
On Line 2 "Did stars we touch together fall for naught?", I would either change "Did" to "Do" or "touch" to "touched". I think it would sound better. -
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I changed it to "Did stars we'd touch together fall for naught?"
I didn't want to say "touched together" .. its too difficult to pronounce. I was aware of the grammatical problem but couldn't see a way to fix it until now.
thanks
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WHat?
I don't really know what you're talking about, but if i did, i bet it would've been really good
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