My hands reach ahead of me
My legs flutter
And I burst ahead
The clear water sliding past
I dip and dive
And dive and dip
Playing in the water
Under the sun
Some clouds cover the sun
The water's blue now
Like the waters deep in the ocean
Miles down
I should get out
It's getting cold
But I'm having too much fun
To pay attention to the sun
That's getting raped by the clouds
It's beauty diminished
Bit by bit
Until there is merely a shell left
A shadow of it's former self
My hands reach ahead of me
My legs flutter
And I burst ahead
The blue water sliding past
I dip and dive
And dive and dip
Playing in the water
I should have left the pool
When I had the chance
The water's black now
And thick
I desperately reach for the surface
But the murky water
Pulls me back down
The sun is gone entirely
Murdered by the clouds
That had looked so friendly
Before
Pressure like never before
Presses me down
Away from the surface
And as I scramble for my life
My hands reach ahead of me
My legs flutter
And my head bursts
The black water oozing in
It dips, I die
I die, it dips
Death brought by the water
Author notes
um... a metaphor for... i dunno what... something in my life... i'll figure it out eventually
Baahltres
A contest entry
- Can you make me feel? (now open to PWs) by glitterydoom.
550 points, ended November 16, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just arrived by special delivery by Black Rayne.
500 points, ended November 12, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
I love the first stanza, sort of reminded me of an otter, dipping in and out of the water under the sun.
I hope you find what your looking for
thankyou for entering this
best of luck
-
fantastic write,
good luck and thank you
-
wow......... like WOW. i can totally see what your painting here it's like a Children's bedtime story gone so terribly terribly wrong i love it its fantastic as always
-
ooo... this was interesting... you have an interesting and familiar way of using imagry.... kinda like my poetry... well i thought this was very good... and yea lol... <<<<<(doesnt know what to say)
Jacob
-
wow i love the immagry in this beatiful makes me think of how you can be happy where you are knowing you should move or leave soon or be hurt but wanting to soke it all in you stay too long and all is spolied great write keep it up
-
wow, i could totaly picture everthing that you were describing. i love how you describe things, omfg!!! i dont know what else to say, it is like a bad dream gone totally wrong. holy cow! i wrote somthing like this for english. i have it posted as a deam gone wrong. um... it is about one of my characters for a book i am writing. she had this dream about a beautiful place created by the moon but then everything turns red. her heart ends up exploding and the last thing she sees is her own blood in her hands. hmmm...it was fun to write and i bet this one was a joy to write to. i love the ending to it "it dips, i die i die it dips. it reminds me of a floating dead body in the sea or something. i am still in awe at how talented you are. wow...
~ love the rain ~ -
-
wow... i'm stunned, really i am... i don't know what to say.... this means so much to me... thank you
Yvonne
-
-
I like how the poem goes from light to dark, and your use of foreshadow is great. I love the poem - I know I can relate.
-
love it i can totally relate right now
-
you've got no idea how much I feel like I can relate to that at the moment. the use of language and emotion is good. keep writing. ttyl
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
