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Tainted Child

Trembling
Frightened
Heavy breathing
Chest tightened

Clenched fists
Sweaty palms
New found risks
Never calms

Lost dreams
Broken hopes
Deafening screams
Decaying ropes

Painful tears
Nerve wrecked
Sharper shears
Wrists unchecked

Airy father
Undetected affliction
Suspects unbothered
Mothers addiction

Tolerance mild
Petrified existance
Troubled child
Consumed innocence

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • briareus gold member
    March 31, 2007
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    Criss-cross laying on multiplicity of abuse like a whip, the form like a battering with short mostly two-word phrases, direct and relentless. nowhere a complete sentence shows absence of resolution, no closure -- drives home the pain of this. Very well done.


  • x CheepPurfume
    March 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Oh My Goodness! This was incredible! I can't stop reading it. I can read it..over and over...and those lines..and words you choice will never get old or boring. It's so fresh and so amazing! haha. I know, dorkish me. But Awesome job. Keep up the great work, would ya?

    Tori

  • zentross
    March 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Very expressive

    I like the use of shattered phrases because it evokes the sensation of how a frightened child would think. The word choice is excellent for the impact that each provides and the final phrase is masterful.


  • neon nightmares
    March 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Decaying ropes

    i love the idea of that. its a really 'nice' image.
    keep up the great writes
    luvvs

    x


  • Brandy3 gold member
    March 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This poem is very straight foward and sounds like what I went through from 1 to 3 years of age.I wrote a poem called the monster,but I warn you it's very intense.If I can survive that you can make it,for your just starting in life,give yourself a chance.Brandy3


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    March 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    So simple but so effective and it really makes you think. thnx and gd luck


  • Random Thoughts
    March 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Nice one never seen this sort of style before, very original, well done, nicely worded and deep flowing rhymes, best of luck in the contest,

    Brenden


  • Lil Pickle
    February 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really good write...I like it!!! good flow, and even better word choice! Right on, keep writing!

1 - 8 of 8