Once across those empty fields,
Twice we sat there crying,
Too scared to say the things we know,
Come watch, our world is dying.
Call the ones who used to help,
Voices of nothing call,
For dead men can't hear what they would,
They only see us fall.
The gates of death will be re-entered,
Men will claw where others fell,
No bright light to guide the wicked,
Their only place is hell.
Once you said it would be tethered,
Twice, said you'd never lie,
Once you ripped a heart wide open,
And twice you made me cry.
A life for a life where death hangs near,
Waiting, watching the stench of fear,
Even as poor souls that did flee,
The souls of dark scream hungrily.
Come all you people who I used to protect,
As the new generation begins to select,
You have your whole lives to loathe the world's core,
I have my whole life and more.
A contest entry
- The perfect poem by xandercheerios.
800 points, ended March 3, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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could you please follow rules and put the option and title in the authors notes
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Ok, I can see this is going to be an interesting poem, at least to my standards. So I really am going to give constructive criticism to make it fit the guidelines of my contest a bit better.
4th line: one too few syllables, perhaps add "just" at the front of the line.
8th line: one too many syllables, perhaps remove "can"
9th line: 2 too many syllables, perhaps remove "and" and change "wide open" to "so wide" or something
10th line: 2 too many syllables again... don't know any suggestions
11th line: 2 too many syllables perhaps remove "and" and change "the wicked" to "sinners" or something.
14th line: one too many syllables, 16th line: one too few. Though... this verse works perfectly as it is, but it won't be consistent with the rest.
I don't know why you made the 5th and 6th verses in AABB rhyme scheme, which is alright, but then you do have to make them consistent, and with good rhythm. Suggested 5th verse something like:
"A life for life where death hangs near,
And waitingfor the stench of fear,
Even as poor souls that did flee,
The souls of dark scream hungrily."
Similar changes would also then need to be made with the last verse to make it consistent, and... have the last 2 lines of it actually rhyme (as hard as it might be) BECAUSE a great ending always makes up for the tiniest inconsistencies in the rest of a poem. I hope you can consider all this, as I would hate to see such talent not get what it deserves. I only judge the contest in the way I have advised you to have the poem, so if you can do all that, you should do well in the contest
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