She vanished
into a burning February
sky, nothing but her perfume lingering
on the pillowcases, undeniable proof that this was
no dream.
White noise
on the television and a lipstick letter on
your broken heart. Light another cigarette,
boy, you've a long
night ahead.
Author notes
A modern cinquain is an adaptation of the beautiful traditional cinquain, which is a 5 line poem that adheres to a meter count of: 2, 4, 6, 8, 2. A modern cinquain is based off of the same concept, but with a word count of the same pattern (2, 4, 6, 8, 2) instead. A mirror cinquain is a poem comprised of two cinquain stanzas that reflect each other; in this case where I use a modern cinquain, the first stanza follows a word count of 2, 4, 6, 8, 2, and then the second stanza has a word count of 2, 8, 6, 4, 2. In any deviation of the cinquain there exists no specific metrical foot or rhyme scheme.
I know that was rather long winded, but it explains why the poem isn't as aesthetically pleasing as it could be.
A contest entry
- Short & Sweet and Really Upbeat {Edit} by HerbalGoat.
300 points, ended March 13, 2007, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Looks good. Not really familiar with the modern cinquain, though I've read a handful of the traditional. Very intresting notes.
It looks like you've got everything right formwise.
You sai in your notes that the description described why it wasn't as aesthetical as it could be, but I'm sure you could make it just that despite the form rules.
But actually, the only part that I thought was slightly awkward was the line break of the second to last line. Just seemed like it would have sounded better broken otherwise which isn't the best use of the form there. Perhaps you could come up with some phrasing that says the same thing but better flows in the restrictions?
That was my only really critical thought. Good luck again! -
I had to read this, as it has the same title as a piece I wrote ages ago. I have to say, yours is much better (and I never say that lightly).
Love the last bit, especially.
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I, contrary to what you think about it, think that this poem is really pleasing to both see and hear. For a short poem it really strikes you. I really like the rhyming sequence although I have not read many other poems wrote like it if they are as good as this one I may have to look into reading more. Seriously
Thanks.
nikki -
great imagery. good write hun.
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You never cease to amaze me, dear. Your imagery and lingering thoughts placed within make this poem even more wonderful. Magnificent job at the form you have chosen.
P.S. - I know how much it was bothering you to know what I thought. I originally was going to critique this last, but I gave in. Much love ♥
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I really enjoyed this, I loved the 'white noise' and 'lipstick letter'. Funny how perfumes and aromas linger, sometimes for years. Great write. sj
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I like this, but if it were me, I'd change the lines a little to make it easier to read. but that's just me..
For example, I'd start it like this..
She vanished
into a burning February sky,
nothing but her perfume
lingering on the pillowcases,
undeniable proof
that this was no dream.
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Heavy. One needs not mention the whiskey bottle, the tormented attempts at sleep, and the frustration at being unable to channel this emotion into creative energy; all of these are sure to follow your subject as well. Poor guy. Great write!
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And what a night. This poem sounds of absence, and heavily. I've felt that, the way everywhere I look, there was a trace of her. A cigarette for the nerves always helps though. Good write Jamie.
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