Sunny hugs the dragon
(her clock is on twelve)
she's searching luminescant rainbows
elusive pots of gold.
Sunny's friend charlie
(who lives in her home)
is seducing her senses
with false hope.
Sunny's fallen in the grass
(which is consuming her path)
she cannot stand
alone.
Sunny kisses death
(her final attempt)
and rides with shadows
home.
A contest entry
- Fighting Addiction (Contest) by Child of an Angel.
900 points, ended March 9, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Good job with the rythmn of this. I also like that it seems simple on the surface but has a very meaningful message underneath.
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This was really well done. Any type of addiction is tough and to get the monkey off your back before meeting the angel of death is the hardest part. I like the metaphor used here. I can see why you got a silver. Congratulations on a great poem.
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Sometimes I like the content of a poem but the pattern might be off or the flow- not so well. In such cases my opinion of a poem is lowered by these idiosyncrasies.
Well, I say this because I enjoy the flow and the content. The ambiguous atmosphere of the poem is great. You have talent- that is for sure. The illusion to gold as well as the clock is very good. I think the words were added very carefully and they are affective.
I originally had a huge part of this comment devoted to your parenthesis. I do not care for them and I think it adds slight complication BUT it makes a clear and distinct point. I often use commas and dashes to express more emotion. I can see what you are doing here and ultimately, it is very affective.
You have a very solid pattern and good structure. The repartition is great. I have always been a fan of repetition. There are strong emotions entwined in the poem and I think you wrote it beautifully. It is a very enjoyable read and I wish it were longer. Thanks for entering....
Wishing Everlasting peace,
-AtiVan
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"Sunny's fallen in the grass
(which is consuming her path)
she cannot stand
alone."
This line has a definite message with regards to addiction, if you go chase a dragon for dreams - you'll just end up in shadows. Well done and well put.
Good Luck!
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I really like this.
Your second stanza was my favorite:
"Sunny's friend Charlie
(who lives in her home)
is seducing her senses
with false hope."
Best of luck!
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