Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

distant thoughts in the dead of night

wait, listen to the water,
dripping down your back,
covering your elegant physique,
slowly lacing the serene with the cluttered,

 

stop, and watch the light,
flicker, flickering slowly to black,
drifting until gone evermore,
an eve of calming peace,

please, stay still,
still as the dead of night,
close your eyes and feel yourself,
feel as you lay floating in the sea,
do you miss me?

Author notes

just more questioning.


the option is option eight
"Death is near"

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • The Poetic Bandits gold member
    March 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    3 claps...9pts

    Reward from The Poetic Bandits reading list

    ~Lilac


  • -LilacThOughts- gold member
    March 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    What can I say? this is an intriguing piece and the ending is was not what I expected it to be

    Short and concise with an air of mystery till the last line, an enjoyable read, thank you...

    Love and smiles
    Lilac


  • undertones
    March 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is prtty great, i thought. it's hard to describe something, but you're literally describing nearly Nothingness and silence here- and i think that's pretty damn impressive. awesome job.


    • dead-ringer
      March 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you so so much I am glad you liked it, and super happy that you went as far as to say you are impressed!!

  • Susan E. Pennycuff
    March 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh what I wouldn't give for an eve of claming peace... lovely job with this dear, nice tone and flow...well done


  • -Ink Artist-
    March 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting! This piece is rich in imagery and sublime thoughts. Well done work!


    ~Lori


  • Polaja Greeters member
    March 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the way you have written this in a soft, yet commanding tone. The last stanza is indeed the best by far - the whole poem is brilliant though.

    Stay smiling and keep writing

    Polly

    • dead-ringer
      March 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for your comment!!
      I'm glad you liked my tone in this write.


  • Lauren Noir
    March 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A great title and brilliant imageary and description. It all worked very well and you got the feel and image through brilliantly

    A strong entry in the contest, good luck with that


  • ShelleyA gold member
    March 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting title. A very nice write. Very good imagery, flow and tone. Good expression of feeling. Vivid descriptives. Nice alliteration. A well crafted piece.


  • redmarkonthewall
    March 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Good

    Thanks for entering my contest! Of all the lines I would say these are my favourite:
    "stop, and watch the light,
    flicker, flickering slowly to black,
    drifting until gone evermore,
    an eve of calming peace,"
    I love the stop and flicker. I don't know what it is about it but it's just really good. Good luck in my contest!

    • dead-ringer
      March 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you very much, I am glad you like it!! hope I do okay in the contest..


  • Whispering Wind Moderators member
    March 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    GOOD..VERY ...

    I love the sound of silence:as you sayPlease stay still, as still as the dead of night.Close your eyes and feel yourself, feel as you lay floating in the sea, do you miss me? excellentIn the quite of our minds who can tell what might wonder by


  • tawk gold member
    March 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful imagery and emotions running throughout your write. Excellent flow and content


  • Rita Krocha
    March 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Tremendously Nice Excellence at its best!

    Love this stanza
    please, stay still,
    still as the dead of night,
    close your eyes and feel yourself,
    feel as you lay floating in the sea,
    do you miss me?

    Particularly the last one. It looks like just another line that most people frequently use but in your poem, it stands out.


  • oldmanriver1942
    March 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    I like this very much

    stop, and watch the light,
    flicker, flickering slowly to black,
    drifting until gone evermore,
    an eve of calming peace,

    I love this stanza..nice write. Pen on!


  • Useless Love
    March 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i REALLY like this poem, but, ok. dont take this the wrong way, but the line 'still as the dead of night' seems like a cliche. but other than that, i really like it.


    • dead-ringer
      March 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I would never take constructive criticism in the wrong way, I know its a cliche, and, in a weird way, it was supposed to be...


  • ShatterglassSecret
    March 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    it's splendid. i love the imagery (as always) and the emotion. missing her's hard, it sounds like. you have a delicate rhythm in this poem as it carefully echoes itself. (example: "flicker, flickering slowly") the culmination of the piece in question form is intriguing as it gives a point to the whole poem, communicating absence as well as desire. a very nice write, i'm enjoying watching your style blossom.

    • dead-ringer
      March 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      wow, thank you tons abby, you totally hit that right on, thanks

  • As TeArS fAlL
    February 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    hmmm i take it that this is about melissa being in mexico...hahaha yea she probably does miss you but ne way i really like this poem...it shows your emotion really well...great catharsis...great write...keep it up...

1 - 22 of 22