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Living Dead Girl

Pretty living dead girl
wanders through his mind
her lonely heart keeps beating
her soul left far behind

She has no will for life
and yet she cannot die
so she goes on living
but is dead inside

He hurt her so deeply
she can't go back to life
she treated him so sweetly
so couldn't fathom why

Pretty living dead girl
her figure in his mind
her lonely heart keeps beating
her soul left far behind

She has no will for life
and yet she cannot die
so she goes on loving
but is dead inside

Author notes

For Dark and Depressing: option 3 sad love/lost love For Bring On The Emotions: option 5 heartbroken, lost love etc.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • LadyDementia gold member
    January 24, 2008

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    A good piece, been in a few contests Best of luck with it in this one


  • DarkenedAuras
    January 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow this has been in a LOT of contests :D

    Great poem eerie in a way...it was short but powerful in a creepy way lol...is that making a lick of sense???

    well anyway good luck


  • Momma Majeski
    January 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful

    This is quite an amazing write... I have not seen the video, but from just your poem alone, I don't need to...

    Not to mention I know exactly how this feels, so right now this poem beyond hit home for me...

    Perfect darling! Perfect



  • Death of the Author
    November 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm interesting, nicely written, good flow and the rhyme wasn't bad, though the idea is hardly original. Congratulations on the trophies already and good luck in my contest. Thanks for entering x

    Take care


  • Stripes
    October 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    totally awesome poem you got here and i have to say its one of the best that i have read in a long while..just the name of the poem drew me in. Good job


  • KittieLyyn
    June 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    loved this. loved these stanzas.

    She has no will for life
    and yet she cannot die
    so she goes on living
    but is dead inside

    He hurt her so deeply
    she can't go back to life
    she treated him so sweetly
    so couldn't fathom why

    good luck.


  • XxMysticalFantasyxX
    April 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really great poem..so dark and wow .love the wording and the way the poem is written..oh yeah love the title hehe anyways good luck with this contest!!

    XladyMoonMistressX


  • Dark Whispers
    April 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I see well that why this poem has won a silver, this poemwas absolutly great in every way. thans for entering


  • Methusala
    April 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Love the lyrics. I also love Rob Zombie. You know what song you should check out? "Dead Girl" by Acid Bath. Try to see if you can get a cropped version if you can, but its amazing.

    ~James

  • glistwolven
    April 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is really great, I love this part:

    "Pretty living dead girl
    her figure in his mind
    her lonely heart keeps beating
    her soul left far behind"

    It flows so nicely and seems to have a story behind it. An excellent write! Best wishes.


  • duke of balabamas
    March 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    haha. another piece thats in 57 million contests. i love the quick comment option.

    prepare yourself for a rant on dark poetry.

    "living dead girl" as a concept is a hard one to execute because there is a certain sense of morbidity that needs to be followed to execute it, and a certain direction which has been played out across this site with every other dark piece.

    this piece teeters on the edge. i understand the concept, and the piece is indeed powerful, but my first point in this comment is that there is so much more to the piece. i was really hoping with this to get into the psychosis of the girl. forget the guy responsible and forget the cliche she was lonely even in a realtionship. in all honesty those types of pieces are going to garner respect from a limited number of ap viewers and no really critical readers. theres already a stigma attached to the genre itself. let us see a look into how she copes or doesnt without telling she copes or doesnt.

    thats the main complaint from a lot of those dark-bashing poems. its not the subject matter. its that everything is so ill-defined.

    with that being said, the form here is great. i love that the rhyme isnt perfect. it seems more that you were working with a rhythm, and the rhyme just fell into it. i will say that the second repeated stanza ("she has no...") is significantly weaker because it doesnt coordinate with the general metrical trend of the first, and that needs to be worked on.

    in fact, the repetition itself is a bit sketchy. it takes the audience back to the beginning without any reason. it seemed like you were writing one massive loop. i would advise giving the piece much more resolution or defining further the action.

    i think the piece used rhyme well at times and not at others but it seemed to flow well enough to overlook it.

    overall, the piece is not an entirley unique idea, but one that could have gone off the deep end into something terribly cliche and unartistic. i think that this piece could be really solid if worked with a bit more, but at present is just decent and deserving of a 35/100.




    DS


  • Nam
    March 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Good repetition and rhyming. It didn't seem forced anywhere, though I think it could be edited down for filler words.

    -Nam


  • XHollowXEyesX
    March 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    amazing write. I really loved how you kept it so simple yet the meaning is so deep and touching.
    beautifully written.
    thanks for entering and goodlcuk


  • Jeff.W
    March 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    cool

    wow this is the same way my x felt when i broke up with her. we're cool now but i can tell by the poetry she writes she still had feelings. this is a great piece thank you for entering it


  • Kevan
    March 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... awesome work. I like this one... good Luck and thank you for the wonderful entry

    ~Kevan Henshaw~


  • Afflicted Affection
    March 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    love the title...great song, and good write, such great emotions and expressions...good job


  • Things Fall Apart
    March 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was so sad and yet incredable at the same time. I can totally relate to this since I was just like the girl in this write. Really great description and everything.
    Great job!
    Good luck!
    Taylor.


  • okadadokie
    March 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Dark and sad, very well done job. Creative, I like it, the girl is dead but she continues living, classic. Good luck.
    ~Oka


  • SensualWhispers
    March 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Wow..

    .... i could almost say I am like that. You've written this very well. Your rhyme is beautiful and the emotions are so pronounced here. Excellent write. I just can't believe how this almost pegged me to a "t".. Thank you for entering the contest and the best of luck to you. Kassie


  • wootness15
    March 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    beautiful...amazing

    ummmmmmmmmmm...........idk what to say!!!! its so good so true so deep so blue!!! and thats all i have to say!

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