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No More 'Billy'

the contour remains

though indistinguishable

 

 

You non-entity

 

 

go on join ranks now

mute blind bleached skull,

wait your turn to be

crushed in the

killing fields...

 

You are one of us,

the moon dryed

faceless

 

I know 

 

I have gazed through

strained silent sockets

watched my bloodless

indentation mouth

only empty o's

obliteration

 

obliterated god...

 

Author notes

Friends are part of the self-delusion, selfishness and self-obsession, loyalty and truth don't matter in this world of addiction, self becomes god - none of it's real...

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Tangled Angle
    July 29, 2007
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    Interesting. I like this.


  • Riftkin gold member
    July 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    nothing is real anymore, truths are lies, lies become truths the world is all messed up


  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    March 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful writing

    Exactly, none of it IS real. Friends come and go and can be very very fickle. Your piece speaks truth.

  • unraveled
    March 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I don't understand this poem but I like the way it sounds. The end is especially awesome. "strained silent sockets watched my bloodless indentation mouth only empty o's..." I really love this line. The one part I think is weird is the "you non-entity" part, I don't think it matches with the rest of the poem that great but that's for you to decide. Good luck in your contest!


    • swanridur
      March 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you so so much

      Thank you so much for your comment I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.......The poem is about drugs, recovery and addiction. I replyed to Ativan if you want to know specifically what's behind my words. The non-entity (unimportant person) is I guess how I've thought about myself in the past, and in particular, one person who I did care about but were so entrapped and so unimportant to themselves that I couldn't save them and they didn't want to save themselves. I guess it's like being at the end of your tether and shouting 'go on then, kill yourself'! Not very helpful, but a desperate plea to just 'see' but they can't. Thanks again x


  • Ativan
    March 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I think punctuation is a key factor in poetry. I think for less dramatic pauses the dash - should be used. This suggestion I think would help out a lot. You say somebody suggested not using punctuation. Well, did Poe punctuate? Did Robert Frost? These are, in reality, not great examples but I think it proves a point. Punctuation compliments a poems flow it helps understanding it is necessary in most writing you see. [ (AHA!) The ladder sentence shines light on my hypocrisy?! ]
    Now we got to ask, "What is the advantage to *not* using punctuation." It is perhaps to add uncertainty, suspicion, and I admit- sometimes it improves flow. Well, you must determine which is appropriate. It is not my intentions for you to change your poem, but rather to alert you to keep an eye on a presumable problem. I may appear arrogant, probably because I am, (hah!) but I am confident that my insight is accurate.
    Join the "addiction" group that I am in if you want more support. You seem to be a sharp little cookie, and your poetry puts me to shame! Yup yup! Excellent work.
    Wishing.
    World Peace.
    AtiVan


  • Sock
    February 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this poem speaks volumes to me as a reader. I can feel the emotion put forth here. A first, it almost reminded me of a soldier going through the torment of finding a dead partner. Until I saw what contest this was in, I didn't quite know what it was about, but, the feeling is clear.

  • Ativan
    February 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I spent some time on this poem:
    You have a very dark insight in the world. By "dark insight", I mean, you see the world’s problems without taking into the consideration the positive things that may exist. No- nothing wrong with that, and obviously- you would expect this viewpoint from a drug user. That is how I often view things. Such darkened insight is so discouraging that many people turn to drugs to shine a little light in.
    Your poem is interesting and at first glance- your poem was not of clear interest. It seems that you are more concerned with "fancy" words then the actual content. Now, that was at first glance. As I reread and thought about things: I realized that what had unsettled me was, in fact, just the flow of the poem. Let me explain:
    "mute blind bleached skull." If somebody reads this line, any person, they might be a little confused. Despite your developed thoughts- the structure creates harm. Do you see what I am saying? What I think you meant to say- Mute. Blind. Bleached skull. OR Mute- Blind- Bleached skull. The pauses (punctuation) add dramatic effect. It makes the sentence run much more smoothly, and I assume this is what you meant to say. It wouldn't make sense any other way. Here is an example:
    "Razor teeth blond dog ball fetched." Does this make sense well yes and no... "Razor teeth. Blond dog. He fetches the ball." These two sentences say one thing but are completely different.
    Another line in your poem: "through strained silent sockets." Would it flow better as, "Through strained, silent sockets." Is it more dramatic? Now, this sentence is perfectly fine without any changes but I wanted to bring this to your attention just in case it may prove helpful. Also, this sentence was really good. "Silent sockets." It is a good image.
    I really enjoyed the ending. You seem rather clever, and you seem to be a "thinker". Good job and Good luck. Thank-you for entering.
    -ATIVAN

    • swanridur
      March 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you so so much

      Hi I know you said you'd spend time and effort on your comments but I am so impressed that you take the time and effort. I haven't been here long and I know you wanted experienced AP'ers but I'm having such a great time and it's thrilling to be able to put your stuff into a contest. I'm looking forward to learning so much and love critque!

      It's very interesting that you mentioned punctuation and that it took up so much of your comment. In my original draft I did punctuate throughout. Then I read a comment by someone who was commenting on someone elses poem. They suggested that leaving out commas can often be more dramatic so I had a go!!!! I don't quite agree with you that it makes no sense because mute blind and skull all refer to the what's going on in the head area and bleached just reffered to the tone of skin of some people with a severe habit. Whilst your example is six random unconnected words ( I think) but I take your point and will try writing it again as I originally intended.

      I used to be in the drug seen and had to really isolate myself to get off through the other side. It took a long time and one day I met a beautiful girl. We got chatting and she invited me to her place. I soon realised she was heavily into heroin and other stuff. I started a kind of mission to 'help' her, but I quickly began to get sucked into her manipulation, lies, deceit, you know. She pleaded and begged for money and rides to pick up. I tried talking to her about getting help....but she wasn't interested. I was tempted to join her cos the thought was so sweet and did once. I loved her but in the end I had to walk away because I new there really was nothing I could do. I was devasted but had to save myself. I tried to put together a few thoughts after that experience, that's what she looked like to me after going through her shooting up ritual, like a lolling skull. And she did want to obliterate her life which was a horror. She even gave me a number to phone if she died 'this time'. It broke my heart. Thanks once again SR x


  • ohsweetie970
    February 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    beautiful, wonderful, amazing

    this is a really strong poem. i know i interpret it to be the fight against addiction but i am sure there are several other ways to interpret it. i like how you used italics to make words stand out and make the reader notice them and think about what that means. this is an awesome poem. i am highly impressed and i leave this webpage with a whole new perspective on certain things in my life.

    ~ash~

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